Society is drunk

"Before You Toast, How Much Wine is To Much?" http://yhoo.it/18baCfR

This article, on my Yahoo home page, caught my attention this morning. 

One thing that particularly stuck out was this....

“You see that in the labels of wine…that are marketed directly to women,” she said, “wine has become culturally respectable as something to relax with, and I think the problem is that a lot of women take it too far.”

That’s when, according to Glaser, women may become frightened, even ashamed. She also says that she thinks modern drinking habits have become intertwined with motherhood.

 I would have to agree, whether it's wine or any other kind of alcohol, drinking in general has become much more socially acceptable than generations before us, especially for mothers. There are funny ecards that circulate all over social media about mommy drinking. 

 These kinds of things are posted equally among every kind of mother I know. Whether it's the young mom, the old mom, the wild mom, the mild mom, the soccer mom...I feel like right now...it is expected for mommy to be half in the bag. It is celebrated.

I see mommy friends (myself included) post photos, or funny stories about alcohol. Honestly for years it isn't unusual AT ALL for most of the pictures of me doing random things around the house...to include a beer. 

#Sunday #Funday

That is a picture from my Instragram account...The only way I would do laundry before was with a beer....a LOT of my friends seemed to agree.

Every occasion...at least in my group of friends, is a drinking occasion.

Kids Birthday parties? Absolutely! Baby Showers? Of course! The mom to be can't drink...but we sure can. In fact one of my best friends had a baby shower last Summer...and afterwards we all came up to my house and had a Bon Fire....we tagged all of the photos "Baby Shower After Hours!"

We all got lit. It was a blast...

So drinking really as become the "norm" as far as I'm concerned. 

And when your drinking becomes a problem? That is so totally NOT normal.

Telling my friends that I am trying to "cut back" on drinking has been met with mixed reactions. Sure...I am know to get pretty wasted when we all get together for grown up nights out. I am totally the sloppy one. However...I think they all enjoy the fact that I can wear that badge and they don't have to...even if they might be just as deserving.

They also don't see the day in and day out level of drinking. The falling down the stairs on a Tuesday night. The spending the last little bit of grocery money on beer so I will tolerable for my family. The bartering with my husband to get another 6 pack. It is all very unhealthy. It's all a big secret in my house. I wonder how many of their houses hide the same secrets?

We don't know because we don't talk about it. I am struggling with this right now. I can spill my heart out here....but very few people in my real life know what I am struggling with. When I attempt to explain it....they are no better than the voices in my head...telling me it's normal to drink the way I do.

I'm afraid to "come out" with my story. I am embarrassed. I don't like to draw attention for negative reasons....or seem like I am seeking attention. If I stumble and have a set back I don't want THAT scrutiny either. I'm scared.

I feel really guilty about that though. A girl I know...who has since become one of my very best friends...checked herself into rehab a few months ago. She posted about it on Facebook. Her honesty and similarities to the way I felt moved me to tears. It really made me take a good hard look at my life and motivated me to start taking this disease seriously. I reached out to her to let her know how much she has moved me and how much I was rooting for her and we've now become each others cheerleaders. It's like we were always meant to be friends and share this experience together. If she hadn't come forward with her story I know I would still be stuck in the same awful cycle unable to come up for air. Even though I still have set backs and can't say I wont relapse again...I have at least found the strength to come up for air.

I feel pretty certain if I could just be strong enough to share my story publicly...with people who actually know me in real life....it would have the same effect for someone else. I could help someone save their life. That is an amazing gift to give. 

I think alcoholism among women is likely at epidemic levels. We are all silenced by shame, and guilt and fear. Enough of us aren't sharing our struggles openly or putting a "normal" face on this disease.

I am a successful, young mother. I have a beautiful family. I have an amazing job. I'm attractive and fun to be around (so I hear) and...I'm a drunk. I feel like that is a compelling story....it's just not the story I ever wanted to have... or be the "face" for.

I don't have a solution to this. I can't say with any certainty when I'll be ready to "come out" to my real life acquaintances and friends.The stigma is so great and I am just not strong enough.

I hope this changes. I hope I get stronger. 

Society is drunk right now. 

I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where the demons I am dealing with are par for the course and if you decide to face these demons it's stranger than embracing them.

Focus

As usual Friday really is the most confusing day of the week for me! So far today though...I am feeling so happy and so grateful.

This week has been a roller coaster. If you are reading this and you are considering recovery or attempting recovery please know...it is OK to feel a huge range of emotions. Feeling feelings is really important actually. I learned so much from this shitty sober week.... It gets better. 

I didn't drink this week and I had so many things thrown at me that would typically give me every logical reason to seek out my "warm blanket" of ice cold beer and an empty mind. 

Instead I felt feelings. And it was not easy! After spending an entire day feeling desolate, sad, depressed, angry....just lots of yucky stuff...and not drinking...I woke up the next day and felt grateful. I have been practicing trying to focus on the good. I spent a day trying to notice and be aware of all the beauty that surrounds me. The most mundane things made me smile because I just focused on the good. 

Case in point...I took my girls grocery shopping last night. Something that is typically a chore with 2 little girls. But, we laughed and looked at pretty things and talked about our days...I didn't rush them....I didn't get irritated...I didn't get frustrated...I let them stop and check things out. I let them pick out their own herbal teas like mommy. I didn't tell them to shhhhh when they were laughing so loud that everyone was staring. We walked out and my youngest looked at me and said "Thank you mommy that was SO much fun!" 

That's the good stuff. 

Now...that's not to say...."Focus on the good! It is so easy! Even the worst day will be beautiful!" That would be a blatant lie. Some days just suck.. And some days you owe it to yourself to let it suck. Feel crappy and move on. 

It really DOES get better.
 

Someday...

Someday I will write a memoir. 

It will be called:

"It's just so sad....A positive and uplifting story of recovery"

The good stuff will come. I'm surviving this feelings shit right now. 

And I am finding JOY in the simple moments such as evening routines with my beautiful girls. Even though today was a terrible day at work...my hubby is sick...Im in a funk and not in a good place right now...my kids were absolutely miserable tonight. I kept finding myself being filled with joy. 

I was patient. No guilt about the beer in my hand. No buzz in my brain robbing me of appreciating the beauty in the little things. Whining from my grumpy girls didnt make me lose my shit. I was grateful to have them as a reprieve from everything else.

I know the positive and uplifting part of my story is going to develop. I will get past the guilt and see the grace in the whole story actually. And the whole thing? it will be beautiful. 

I need to remember this...

Especially when I feel like I do today...

It's just so sad...

I feel like my posts lately have all been pretty dark...and depressing...

I'm sitting here feeling like I have been hit by a mac truck and realizing that my brain is kind of like that right now too. What's the deal?!

I know part of it is because I'm still recovering from the weekend...Tuesday's for the last several years typically feel a little foggy. Monday isn't enough of a rest.

It used to be days that like this I would go home and drink. I mean, I drank every day, but on days like this I would say "man, it's been a rough day...I need a fucking beer"

I suppose on good days I would say the same thing...

I wont today though.

I also know I've been eating like crap. Haven't been exercising. Just been dragging. I even took a pregnancy test (or 3) to see if maybe that was what was wrong with me. 

I think I'm just good old fashioned run down.

I know as part of getting healthy. Part of recovery, I need to take care of myself. Not just eliminate alcohol, but really, truly focus on getting healthy. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally.

For so long I've been a self medicator.

When I was a teenager with low self esteem...I learned I could drink more than other girls and keep up with the boys. 

When my mom was battling cancer...I learned I could make the worry and the stress go away for a little while.

When my addiction started to really get bad and I was doing every drug you can possibly imagine and putting myself in terrible situations...I was so fucked up I really didn't care.

When I was 19-20 and my circle of friends was literally dropping like flies, dying from drug overdoses...I hoped I would be next so I wouldn't have to go through this anymore. I kept doing it though...I didn't die.

I got pregnant.

My daughter saved my life. I have said it before and it is the absolute truth. Saved. My. Life.  My now husband and I were both sorry excuses for functioning adults. I stayed up all night...pretty much every night...put beer in my coffee mug and went to work. I was only 20 at the time. He wasn't much better, although he was older...and growing tired of that whole cycle.

He told me he knew I was trouble and he knew he needed to back away from the relationship we were establishing.

Then I got pregnant.

Without missing a beat I quit everything. Including my job - which in retrospect I needed to do so I could process the fact that I was going to be a mom and I barely knew the man who would be her father.

I know everything happens for a reason. There is no logical reason why...9 years later...my husband is now my husband. We have 2 beautiful kids, a beautiful home and a pretty enviable life by most standards. 

It makes zero sense. But it works for us and we love each other so much...because we both know what the alternative is and what we both were at one point.

But isn't that the problem in some ways too? We both know eachothers deepest, darkest demons. 

While we have pulled ourselves out of the darkest points in our life...some things haven't changed so much...we just hide it behind our beautiful life.

For a few years while we were busy having babies we really did keep it together. A couple nights a year we'd go out and drink with our friends, do lines and hate ourselves for days. But we would enjoy those nights to "get it out of our system". We really really were so much better off in that aspect than where we've ended up. 

At some point though things changed. Another time Ill process the ascend back into daily drinking and weekly drug use...as I mull it over in my head, it's so predictable and and in retrospect so obvious. 

We never got as bad as we "were" but we were much worse than we should have ever been. And it's been this way for at least 5 years.

How sad. 

My daughter saved me the first time. Now I want to save them. I don't want them to think this cycle is normal. No matter how much I try to tell myself they don't notice...of course they do. 

It is all so sad. No wonder my sober mind keeps getting more and more cloudy. 

I just want a happy life. I have a happy life....I want to live it though. Not go through the motions.

Writing this has reminded me just how complicated this disease is. My story is textbook in so many ways. Writing this helps keep me in check....I have been struggling for SO long, it's time to make it right and make myself healthy.

I just wish I could shake the feeling of how sad it is to be this way though. To have lived this life. I guess I never ever want my kids to go through this and I am so scared I have passed this along to them and they will. It is just. so . sad.

I started writing this today with every intention of writing a happy post. Full of hope. And rainbows and butterflies and cliches. If you're ready this...I'm sorry...I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

Hope "8 terrible ways to quit drinking"

 

This was exactly what I needed to see this morning: "8 terrible ways to quit drinking"  http://bit.ly/13AHiBC

I could relate to almost all of it! 

Like I've said before....controlled drinking is only controlled until it isn't. 

Beating myself up is only effective in making myself feel like the worst person in the world....

Just wanted to share that post...seeing other peoples stories gives me hope...the same hope I someday hope to give others. 

baby steps.

A friend of mine with many years of sobriety told me that each little step is progress in the right direction and eventually the little steps all add up to the big reward.

I'm trying to keep that in mind. This weekend didn't go as planned. Maybe I overestimated my husbands will power and readiness to commit to this change. He's been struggling and I didn't know. So I've been leaning on him for strength and then when he stumbles...I go crashing down too. 

So no, this weekend wasn't a good weekend for sobriety. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel hopeless again.

I'm trying to remember that if I keep pushing forward and keep making progress even if I fall, it's still steps in the right direction.

 I need to work on being stronger within myself and not just relying on my husband to have the strength. I need to be strong for him sometimes too. 

Time to refocus. Put in the work. Commit to this. Again.