Fridays are apparently becoming very symbolic for me.It's Friday...and for the first time on the little journey of mine I have no anxiety or hesitation about it. I can honestly say that. I'm just happy it's Friday.
Friday has usually been a day of mixed emotions for me.
...Anticipation of the high.
...Anxiety about the high.
....Determination not to chase the high.
....Regret about the decisions I knew I would be making.
....Justification about the decisions I would be making.
....Denial that any of this was a problem.
yuck.
It's really been so exhausting in retrospect.
Today I'm excited to have "Make your own pizza night" with my amazing daughters. They are so excited about it. I'm excited to watch Dateline with my husband...in a clean home. Im excited to not have to jump out of bed in the morning and be able to sleep in...even if it's just till the girls let me.
I'm excited to do it sober. To not have a beer in hand while making said pizzas. To be able to cuddle with my husband...because I don't need to sit upright to drink the beer in my hand. (hot tea is much less intrusive for so many reasons) I'm excited to get up in the morning rested. Without guilt. Without regret. Without a pounding heading.
With patience. With peace. With hope.
Hopeless would describe the way I have felt so much of the time these last several years. Just hopeless. I would wake up with dread sometimes. Overwhelming guilt. The reality that we would never change and this was just the life we had.
No one from the outside looking in would know.. We're a super fun family, with great kids. We really have it together. They don't know that Mommy drinks every single day. That I've bought beer when we needed milk. That mommy and daddy tend to pull all nighters on Fridays or Saturdays and then sleep the following day away. They don't know how much money we have spent to support these habits and the toll it takes on our family. We really have it together.
I am so looking forward to the day when I can say that it's true. We really do have it together. Just taking these small steps makes it feel like more than I've ever had before.
My attitude today has improved. I am going to "Let go and Let God". I am trying to focus on not worrying about the future and what it hold for my sobriety. I will focus on One day at a time.
But...I am nervous about tomorrow!
Let me explain....
For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.
Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.
The concert is tomorrow.
How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?
There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober.
This is ridiculous.
Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...
that is what my head sounds like right now.
So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.
Will it work? I don't know yet.
I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.
But I am so nervous.
