Society is drunk

"Before You Toast, How Much Wine is To Much?" http://yhoo.it/18baCfR

This article, on my Yahoo home page, caught my attention this morning. 

One thing that particularly stuck out was this....

“You see that in the labels of wine…that are marketed directly to women,” she said, “wine has become culturally respectable as something to relax with, and I think the problem is that a lot of women take it too far.”

That’s when, according to Glaser, women may become frightened, even ashamed. She also says that she thinks modern drinking habits have become intertwined with motherhood.

 I would have to agree, whether it's wine or any other kind of alcohol, drinking in general has become much more socially acceptable than generations before us, especially for mothers. There are funny ecards that circulate all over social media about mommy drinking. 

 These kinds of things are posted equally among every kind of mother I know. Whether it's the young mom, the old mom, the wild mom, the mild mom, the soccer mom...I feel like right now...it is expected for mommy to be half in the bag. It is celebrated.

I see mommy friends (myself included) post photos, or funny stories about alcohol. Honestly for years it isn't unusual AT ALL for most of the pictures of me doing random things around the house...to include a beer. 

#Sunday #Funday

That is a picture from my Instragram account...The only way I would do laundry before was with a beer....a LOT of my friends seemed to agree.

Every occasion...at least in my group of friends, is a drinking occasion.

Kids Birthday parties? Absolutely! Baby Showers? Of course! The mom to be can't drink...but we sure can. In fact one of my best friends had a baby shower last Summer...and afterwards we all came up to my house and had a Bon Fire....we tagged all of the photos "Baby Shower After Hours!"

We all got lit. It was a blast...

So drinking really as become the "norm" as far as I'm concerned. 

And when your drinking becomes a problem? That is so totally NOT normal.

Telling my friends that I am trying to "cut back" on drinking has been met with mixed reactions. Sure...I am know to get pretty wasted when we all get together for grown up nights out. I am totally the sloppy one. However...I think they all enjoy the fact that I can wear that badge and they don't have to...even if they might be just as deserving.

They also don't see the day in and day out level of drinking. The falling down the stairs on a Tuesday night. The spending the last little bit of grocery money on beer so I will tolerable for my family. The bartering with my husband to get another 6 pack. It is all very unhealthy. It's all a big secret in my house. I wonder how many of their houses hide the same secrets?

We don't know because we don't talk about it. I am struggling with this right now. I can spill my heart out here....but very few people in my real life know what I am struggling with. When I attempt to explain it....they are no better than the voices in my head...telling me it's normal to drink the way I do.

I'm afraid to "come out" with my story. I am embarrassed. I don't like to draw attention for negative reasons....or seem like I am seeking attention. If I stumble and have a set back I don't want THAT scrutiny either. I'm scared.

I feel really guilty about that though. A girl I know...who has since become one of my very best friends...checked herself into rehab a few months ago. She posted about it on Facebook. Her honesty and similarities to the way I felt moved me to tears. It really made me take a good hard look at my life and motivated me to start taking this disease seriously. I reached out to her to let her know how much she has moved me and how much I was rooting for her and we've now become each others cheerleaders. It's like we were always meant to be friends and share this experience together. If she hadn't come forward with her story I know I would still be stuck in the same awful cycle unable to come up for air. Even though I still have set backs and can't say I wont relapse again...I have at least found the strength to come up for air.

I feel pretty certain if I could just be strong enough to share my story publicly...with people who actually know me in real life....it would have the same effect for someone else. I could help someone save their life. That is an amazing gift to give. 

I think alcoholism among women is likely at epidemic levels. We are all silenced by shame, and guilt and fear. Enough of us aren't sharing our struggles openly or putting a "normal" face on this disease.

I am a successful, young mother. I have a beautiful family. I have an amazing job. I'm attractive and fun to be around (so I hear) and...I'm a drunk. I feel like that is a compelling story....it's just not the story I ever wanted to have... or be the "face" for.

I don't have a solution to this. I can't say with any certainty when I'll be ready to "come out" to my real life acquaintances and friends.The stigma is so great and I am just not strong enough.

I hope this changes. I hope I get stronger. 

Society is drunk right now. 

I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where the demons I am dealing with are par for the course and if you decide to face these demons it's stranger than embracing them.

*Friday*

Fridays are apparently becoming very symbolic for me.It's Friday...and for the first time on the little journey of mine I have no anxiety or hesitation about it. I can honestly say that. I'm just happy it's Friday. 

Friday has usually been a day of mixed emotions for me. 

...Anticipation of the high. 
...Anxiety about the high. 
....Determination not to chase the high.
....Regret about the decisions I knew I would be making.
....Justification about the decisions I would be making.
....Denial that any of this was a problem.

yuck.

It's really been so exhausting in retrospect.

Today I'm excited to have "Make your own pizza night" with my amazing daughters. They are so excited about it. I'm excited to watch Dateline with my husband...in a clean home. Im excited to not have to jump out of bed in the morning and be able to sleep in...even if it's just till the girls let me.

I'm excited to do it sober. To not have a beer in hand while making said pizzas. To be able to cuddle with my husband...because I don't need to sit upright to drink the beer in my hand. (hot tea is much less intrusive for so many reasons) I'm excited to get up in the morning rested. Without guilt. Without regret. Without a pounding heading.

With patience. With peace. With hope.

Hopeless would describe the way I have felt so much of the time these last several years. Just hopeless. I would wake up with dread sometimes. Overwhelming guilt. The reality that we would never change and this was just the life we had.

No one from the outside looking in would know.. We're a super fun family, with great kids. We really have it together. They don't know that Mommy drinks every single day. That I've bought beer when we needed milk. That mommy and daddy tend to pull all nighters on Fridays or Saturdays and then sleep the following day away. They don't know how much money we have spent to support these habits and the toll it takes on our family. We really have it together.

I am so looking forward to the day when I can say that it's true. We really do have it together. Just taking these small steps makes it feel like more than I've ever had before.

Being sober is really really hard

I'm back. I haven't been updating - but I will start again.

Being sober is hard. I was so smug the first couple of weeks. I was so ready. It was so surprisingly easy. Lesson learned! I knew it was to good to be true, that I just woke up, changed and carried on my merry way. It was to good to be true. This recovery thing is no joke. It only works if you do.

So I will surrender to the process. The setbacks. The hard days and the good ones. I will put in the work.

I went to the concert.  17 days sober. Pissed at God. Confident in myself that I had "dried out" and could have a few drinks like a normal person. 

So I grabbed beer on the way home...to take to the concert of course. I drank one in the shower...then another while I was getting ready. Then drank the entire car ride to the concert. Again at the concert. Until my husband couldn't stand me anymore and we left. And I drank the whole way home.

Ooops. That didn't really go as planned.

Then my husband had plans with his friends that involved drinking that Friday. I told him, go! Have fun! You've been so good...you totally deserve it! Secretly because I knew if he was drinking that night I could take up my favorite past time. Drinking and Dateline on a Friday night! Peace and Quiet. Cold beer in hand...remote to myself. It was lovely. Had 4 beers. Went to bed...felt great the next day. See...I told myself....I can do this. 

The following evening we took our kids to a show. I didn't drink at the show...not because it was a Disney Live show, but mainly because we didn't have the money and I knew my husband would never let me get away with it. So when we got home, and got the kids off to bed, I resumed position. I only drank 3... (do normal people feel the need to count I wonder?) I went to bed, felt great the next day. See...I told myself...this is so normal. Normal people drink a few beers on a Friday and Saturday night and don't  beat themselves up about it and feel like a horrible person and decide they have a "problem". Clearly I was over reacting. 

The following afternoon (a Sunday) we went to a BBQ. Of course everyone was drinking...because that's what our friends do when they get together. So I drank. I brought 2 with me. Drank those. Then drank the beers offered to me, 5 or so. Then got home and drank the stow away in the back of the fridge. And a nasty lime-a-rita thing that had been in there for awhile because I don't like them anyway. But desperate times....

I felt crappy... a little guilty. Ready to get back on the wagon I told my husband. 

But then I found out that our favorite bar was closing and Friday night would be it's last night in business. My husband and I met there....I mean...we really should be there for their last night in business...it was the right thing to do. Plus we'd been "good" for almost a month. Oh! And it could be an end of one chapter, beginning of another right? Right. Although, if we are going to go out drinking...we really can't do that without drugs. Not if we're going to be drinking all night. Anyway...we've had a good run. *keep inserting justifications here* So we went. And partied. And $300 and a hangover later...it wasn't a bad time, wasn't a great time...at least what I remember. It was just more of the same.

I didn't want to beat myself up though about it. No. That's to uncomfortable. I had already proved I didn't have a problem by not drinking for 17 days in a row. I had only drank 5 days out of the last month, I could count that one 1 hand! *justify...justify....justify*

So Sunday night there were 3 beers in the fridge and I decided to drink them. I knew 3 wouldn't do the job though...I was going to need to get more. Long story short...long argument with my husband about it...trip to the store in which I basically snuck out of the house to get a 6 pack...answered a call from my 6 year old crying that I left without saying goodbye...more fighting with my husband when I got home and continued to drink. good times.

I got up in the morning and my husband had poured out the remaining beers in the fridge. I thanked him. He wasn't talking to me. 

Ok...ok. This is not normal.

Today would have been 1 month sober for me. I couldn't even make it a month.

My point is this: It was so easy at first! Recovery isn't easy though. It is so fucking hard! Look how quickly I went from accepting my demons, accepting God as my truth and turning everything over to him...feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace...to getting sucked right back in and ending right back in the same cycle. This disease is no joke!

I can accept now...and mean it....that my recovery has to be priority number one for awhile. I need to change my "people, places and things". I can't put myself in situations that allow this disease to trick me into thinking its all good and I just got a little out of control. Ive been out of control for years. Ive gone years drinking literally every single day. 

This isn't the life I want to have. This isn't how I want to be remembered. The isn't the reputation I want to precede me. This isn't the example I want to set for my kids.

I need to be more cognizant of relapse. I need to be more aware of how easy it is to relapse....not recover. Recovery isn't easy. 

Nothing worth having is though.
 

 

Reality Check

I knew it would happen. Ive been so positive and feeling so amazing about everything for the last week and a half. Until last night...last night sucked.

The kids were miserable. The husband was miserable. My anxiety was out of control. By 7 I was crying on the couch because my husband "hurt my feelings" we put the kids to bed at 8:30 (1/2 hour early) because they wouldn't clean their rooms....which must have sounded to the neighbors like we were beating our children and my 7 year old ended up having a full blown anxiety attack because her dad said he would take away her guitar if she didn't start to listen.

holy shit. 

This was a reality check for me...just because you're making changes...doesn't mean there won't be bad days. The way I cope will be different though. Which is a bit difficult because it's also apparent my coping skills are lacking when I don't have a beer in my hand. 

I'll get stronger. I won't always be reduced to a puddle of tears if my evening doesn't go as planned. It was a good reminder that this is still really raw, and I still have a lot of growth to make.

Stigma

I just wanted to share this great article about the stigma surrounding addiction that I found on "After Party Chat" one of my favorite recovery websites: http://bit.ly/14q68Ap

I am not quite ready to share my truth with those close to me yet. My husband of course knows since he's on this journey with me and I shared with a friend who has been through this. I hesitate to let the rest of my friends know, and my family. 

There are a few reasons....

1.This is so new. I am only 8 days in. What if I fail? What if they try to convince me I don't have a problem, the way the disease tries to do? It's easy to remind myself "your disease is trying to trick you, stay on track" it would be harder to tell my best friend to shut up that I have a problem and need to stay on track.

2.That brings me to reason number two...if I go public with my journey...then I will be publicly admitting that I don't have it all together. I'll be admitting that even with 2 small children I have drank almost daily for the last 5 years...thats the sugar coated version honestly. The certain judgement makes my stomach turn.

3.There is a stigma about addiction. I don't look like an addict. I don't really act like one...unless I'm actively using. I have a great job, a nice home, nice car...etc. etc. I feel like somehow that will mean less if I admit Ive been struggling severely for so long. I know that sounds materialistic. Petty. It's our society though. Of course the other part of me screams "You are contributing to the problem!" "That is why your story is so important!" But right now..I'm just not ready.

My hope is that once I have some significant recovery time under my belt, I will share with the people in my life. It's easy to blog and share with relative strangers. It's horrifying to think about sharing with my real life friends and family. But once I feel ready, I will scream from the rooftops..."if I can do this anyone can!" - I suppose it makes sense that until I feel I have actually "done this" though...silence is a nice form of security until I know I can handle the reaction...whatever it may be.

Friday

It's Fridaaaaay. My first sober Friday...eh probably since I was pregnant over 6 years ago. I've been anticipating Friday afternoon. Bracing myself. I'm trying to avoid Facebook, hoping none of my friends call. My husband and I are hopping in the car with our kids after I get out of work and driving an hour away to get dinner. It's something to do...it's different...and we can avoid temptation in the familiar places. 

Honestly though...I expected Friday afternoon to be harder. I've definitely had the voice in my head creep up and say "it's Friday...relax...you can certainly have a drink or two" "you've been so good all week". I'm learning though (...in the obsessive reading about addiction that I've done this week) that the voice is the disease...and it is trying to trick me. I've been in this place before. Given myself a couple days "off"...felt great about myself. Confident that I don't have a problem after all. Maybe I CAN have a drink or two tonight.

Tomorrow I'll have 4...maybe after 4 I'll decide to convince my husband we should get drugs too...we have money in the bank after all. Then 4 will turn into 15 and I'll wake up on Sunday the same way I did last Sunday. Only this time I'll hate myself even more.

I know myself. I know how my disease works. I clearly see now, that it is in fact a disease and I do have a problem. A serious problem. 

Facing this fact...admitting it to myself...admitting that I really am powerless over drugs and alcohol...is bringing me a strength I haven't had before. It's pretty amazing actually.

So this Friday I will hop in the car with my family...go for a long drive...go out to dinner...and relax on the couch when I get home...with a cup of hot tea. It sounds amazing. And normal. And healthy. Everything I have ever wanted. 

I hope every Friday is just. like. this.

xoxo-Meghann