Society is drunk

"Before You Toast, How Much Wine is To Much?" http://yhoo.it/18baCfR

This article, on my Yahoo home page, caught my attention this morning. 

One thing that particularly stuck out was this....

“You see that in the labels of wine…that are marketed directly to women,” she said, “wine has become culturally respectable as something to relax with, and I think the problem is that a lot of women take it too far.”

That’s when, according to Glaser, women may become frightened, even ashamed. She also says that she thinks modern drinking habits have become intertwined with motherhood.

 I would have to agree, whether it's wine or any other kind of alcohol, drinking in general has become much more socially acceptable than generations before us, especially for mothers. There are funny ecards that circulate all over social media about mommy drinking. 

 These kinds of things are posted equally among every kind of mother I know. Whether it's the young mom, the old mom, the wild mom, the mild mom, the soccer mom...I feel like right now...it is expected for mommy to be half in the bag. It is celebrated.

I see mommy friends (myself included) post photos, or funny stories about alcohol. Honestly for years it isn't unusual AT ALL for most of the pictures of me doing random things around the house...to include a beer. 

#Sunday #Funday

That is a picture from my Instragram account...The only way I would do laundry before was with a beer....a LOT of my friends seemed to agree.

Every occasion...at least in my group of friends, is a drinking occasion.

Kids Birthday parties? Absolutely! Baby Showers? Of course! The mom to be can't drink...but we sure can. In fact one of my best friends had a baby shower last Summer...and afterwards we all came up to my house and had a Bon Fire....we tagged all of the photos "Baby Shower After Hours!"

We all got lit. It was a blast...

So drinking really as become the "norm" as far as I'm concerned. 

And when your drinking becomes a problem? That is so totally NOT normal.

Telling my friends that I am trying to "cut back" on drinking has been met with mixed reactions. Sure...I am know to get pretty wasted when we all get together for grown up nights out. I am totally the sloppy one. However...I think they all enjoy the fact that I can wear that badge and they don't have to...even if they might be just as deserving.

They also don't see the day in and day out level of drinking. The falling down the stairs on a Tuesday night. The spending the last little bit of grocery money on beer so I will tolerable for my family. The bartering with my husband to get another 6 pack. It is all very unhealthy. It's all a big secret in my house. I wonder how many of their houses hide the same secrets?

We don't know because we don't talk about it. I am struggling with this right now. I can spill my heart out here....but very few people in my real life know what I am struggling with. When I attempt to explain it....they are no better than the voices in my head...telling me it's normal to drink the way I do.

I'm afraid to "come out" with my story. I am embarrassed. I don't like to draw attention for negative reasons....or seem like I am seeking attention. If I stumble and have a set back I don't want THAT scrutiny either. I'm scared.

I feel really guilty about that though. A girl I know...who has since become one of my very best friends...checked herself into rehab a few months ago. She posted about it on Facebook. Her honesty and similarities to the way I felt moved me to tears. It really made me take a good hard look at my life and motivated me to start taking this disease seriously. I reached out to her to let her know how much she has moved me and how much I was rooting for her and we've now become each others cheerleaders. It's like we were always meant to be friends and share this experience together. If she hadn't come forward with her story I know I would still be stuck in the same awful cycle unable to come up for air. Even though I still have set backs and can't say I wont relapse again...I have at least found the strength to come up for air.

I feel pretty certain if I could just be strong enough to share my story publicly...with people who actually know me in real life....it would have the same effect for someone else. I could help someone save their life. That is an amazing gift to give. 

I think alcoholism among women is likely at epidemic levels. We are all silenced by shame, and guilt and fear. Enough of us aren't sharing our struggles openly or putting a "normal" face on this disease.

I am a successful, young mother. I have a beautiful family. I have an amazing job. I'm attractive and fun to be around (so I hear) and...I'm a drunk. I feel like that is a compelling story....it's just not the story I ever wanted to have... or be the "face" for.

I don't have a solution to this. I can't say with any certainty when I'll be ready to "come out" to my real life acquaintances and friends.The stigma is so great and I am just not strong enough.

I hope this changes. I hope I get stronger. 

Society is drunk right now. 

I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where the demons I am dealing with are par for the course and if you decide to face these demons it's stranger than embracing them.

Hope "8 terrible ways to quit drinking"

 

This was exactly what I needed to see this morning: "8 terrible ways to quit drinking"  http://bit.ly/13AHiBC

I could relate to almost all of it! 

Like I've said before....controlled drinking is only controlled until it isn't. 

Beating myself up is only effective in making myself feel like the worst person in the world....

Just wanted to share that post...seeing other peoples stories gives me hope...the same hope I someday hope to give others. 

baby steps.

A friend of mine with many years of sobriety told me that each little step is progress in the right direction and eventually the little steps all add up to the big reward.

I'm trying to keep that in mind. This weekend didn't go as planned. Maybe I overestimated my husbands will power and readiness to commit to this change. He's been struggling and I didn't know. So I've been leaning on him for strength and then when he stumbles...I go crashing down too. 

So no, this weekend wasn't a good weekend for sobriety. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel hopeless again.

I'm trying to remember that if I keep pushing forward and keep making progress even if I fall, it's still steps in the right direction.

 I need to work on being stronger within myself and not just relying on my husband to have the strength. I need to be strong for him sometimes too. 

Time to refocus. Put in the work. Commit to this. Again.

Nervous.

My attitude today has improved. I am going to "Let go and Let God". I am trying to focus on not worrying about the future and what it hold for my sobriety. I will focus on One day at a time.

But...I am nervous about tomorrow!

Let me explain....

For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.

Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.

The concert is tomorrow.

How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?

There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober. 

This is ridiculous.

Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...

that is what my head sounds like right now. 

So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.

Will it work? I don't know yet.

I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.

But I am so nervous.

Honeymoon is over.

15 days. I have been sober for 15 days. I'm grateful for this accomplishment.

This weekend wasn't easy though. It was warm and sunny Saturday afternoon. Perfect drinking weather. I kept thinking...I should be able to sit by the pool and drink a few beers. I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't do that.

I felt grumpy....Anxious.... A little resentful.

It's been SO easy up until this weekend. I have felt such a sense of peace. I've know that this is exactly what I have to do and I have felt confident in this decision. You should know...I have tried to get sober before...many many times. I never lasted more than a few days. Finally I feel ready and I want it...but now 2 weeks in...it's getting harder.

Will it ever get easier?

I am finding myself doubting how long I can do this. I am setting goals for myself of...1 more week. Just get 1 month behind you to prove you can do it. I keep hearing a voice in my head say "You can drink again, you just needed to shock your system and you wont get so bad again, you can have a few..." It's getting harder for me to tell the voice it's wrong and I have a problem. I am starting to question my own strength.

So, if you have been following my story you know I have been trying to follow the 12 steps. This week I will focus on Step 3.

According the 12steps.org.... "Step 3 is where I decide to trust God with my recovery. I have admitted my powerlessness to overcome my addictive behaviors on my own. I have realized that there is a Higher Power that can deliver me from the insanity of my addiction. Now I am ready to make the step of giving these matters over to this Higher Power, to God as I understand God. I trust that God can restore me to a right mind, a sane mind that leads me to sane and healthy behavior and a life filled with greater serenity, personal power and even joy. I let God be the overall manager of my life. I "let go and let God"."

Fair enough.

I will work this week on trust. I will pray for strength. I will focus on 1 day at a time instead of worrying about my long term success.I will Trust even if it's beyond my own comprehension whether or not I will succeed.