I'm back. I haven't been updating - but I will start again.
Being sober is hard. I was so smug the first couple of weeks. I was so ready. It was so surprisingly easy. Lesson learned! I knew it was to good to be true, that I just woke up, changed and carried on my merry way. It was to good to be true. This recovery thing is no joke. It only works if you do.
So I will surrender to the process. The setbacks. The hard days and the good ones. I will put in the work.
I went to the concert. 17 days sober. Pissed at God. Confident in myself that I had "dried out" and could have a few drinks like a normal person.
So I grabbed beer on the way home...to take to the concert of course. I drank one in the shower...then another while I was getting ready. Then drank the entire car ride to the concert. Again at the concert. Until my husband couldn't stand me anymore and we left. And I drank the whole way home.
Ooops. That didn't really go as planned.
Then my husband had plans with his friends that involved drinking that Friday. I told him, go! Have fun! You've been so good...you totally deserve it! Secretly because I knew if he was drinking that night I could take up my favorite past time. Drinking and Dateline on a Friday night! Peace and Quiet. Cold beer in hand...remote to myself. It was lovely. Had 4 beers. Went to bed...felt great the next day. See...I told myself....I can do this.
The following evening we took our kids to a show. I didn't drink at the show...not because it was a Disney Live show, but mainly because we didn't have the money and I knew my husband would never let me get away with it. So when we got home, and got the kids off to bed, I resumed position. I only drank 3... (do normal people feel the need to count I wonder?) I went to bed, felt great the next day. See...I told myself...this is so normal. Normal people drink a few beers on a Friday and Saturday night and don't beat themselves up about it and feel like a horrible person and decide they have a "problem". Clearly I was over reacting.
The following afternoon (a Sunday) we went to a BBQ. Of course everyone was drinking...because that's what our friends do when they get together. So I drank. I brought 2 with me. Drank those. Then drank the beers offered to me, 5 or so. Then got home and drank the stow away in the back of the fridge. And a nasty lime-a-rita thing that had been in there for awhile because I don't like them anyway. But desperate times....
I felt crappy... a little guilty. Ready to get back on the wagon I told my husband.
But then I found out that our favorite bar was closing and Friday night would be it's last night in business. My husband and I met there....I mean...we really should be there for their last night in business...it was the right thing to do. Plus we'd been "good" for almost a month. Oh! And it could be an end of one chapter, beginning of another right? Right. Although, if we are going to go out drinking...we really can't do that without drugs. Not if we're going to be drinking all night. Anyway...we've had a good run. *keep inserting justifications here* So we went. And partied. And $300 and a hangover later...it wasn't a bad time, wasn't a great time...at least what I remember. It was just more of the same.
I didn't want to beat myself up though about it. No. That's to uncomfortable. I had already proved I didn't have a problem by not drinking for 17 days in a row. I had only drank 5 days out of the last month, I could count that one 1 hand! *justify...justify....justify*
So Sunday night there were 3 beers in the fridge and I decided to drink them. I knew 3 wouldn't do the job though...I was going to need to get more. Long story short...long argument with my husband about it...trip to the store in which I basically snuck out of the house to get a 6 pack...answered a call from my 6 year old crying that I left without saying goodbye...more fighting with my husband when I got home and continued to drink. good times.
I got up in the morning and my husband had poured out the remaining beers in the fridge. I thanked him. He wasn't talking to me.
Ok...ok. This is not normal.
Today would have been 1 month sober for me. I couldn't even make it a month.
My point is this: It was so easy at first! Recovery isn't easy though. It is so fucking hard! Look how quickly I went from accepting my demons, accepting God as my truth and turning everything over to him...feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace...to getting sucked right back in and ending right back in the same cycle. This disease is no joke!
I can accept now...and mean it....that my recovery has to be priority number one for awhile. I need to change my "people, places and things". I can't put myself in situations that allow this disease to trick me into thinking its all good and I just got a little out of control. Ive been out of control for years. Ive gone years drinking literally every single day.
This isn't the life I want to have. This isn't how I want to be remembered. The isn't the reputation I want to precede me. This isn't the example I want to set for my kids.
I need to be more cognizant of relapse. I need to be more aware of how easy it is to relapse....not recover. Recovery isn't easy.
Nothing worth having is though.
Showing posts with label recover. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recover. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Nervous.
My attitude today has improved. I am going to "Let go and Let God". I am trying to focus on not worrying about the future and what it hold for my sobriety. I will focus on One day at a time.
But...I am nervous about tomorrow!
Let me explain....
For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.
Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.
The concert is tomorrow.
How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?
There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober.
This is ridiculous.
Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...
that is what my head sounds like right now.
So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.
Will it work? I don't know yet.
I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.
But I am so nervous.
But...I am nervous about tomorrow!
Let me explain....
For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.
Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.
The concert is tomorrow.
How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?
There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober.
This is ridiculous.
Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...
that is what my head sounds like right now.
So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.
Will it work? I don't know yet.
I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.
But I am so nervous.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Friday
It's Fridaaaaay. My first sober Friday...eh probably since I was pregnant over 6 years ago. I've been anticipating Friday afternoon. Bracing myself. I'm trying to avoid Facebook, hoping none of my friends call. My husband and I are hopping in the car with our kids after I get out of work and driving an hour away to get dinner. It's something to do...it's different...and we can avoid temptation in the familiar places.
Honestly though...I expected Friday afternoon to be harder. I've definitely had the voice in my head creep up and say "it's Friday...relax...you can certainly have a drink or two" "you've been so good all week". I'm learning though (...in the obsessive reading about addiction that I've done this week) that the voice is the disease...and it is trying to trick me. I've been in this place before. Given myself a couple days "off"...felt great about myself. Confident that I don't have a problem after all. Maybe I CAN have a drink or two tonight.
Tomorrow I'll have 4...maybe after 4 I'll decide to convince my husband we should get drugs too...we have money in the bank after all. Then 4 will turn into 15 and I'll wake up on Sunday the same way I did last Sunday. Only this time I'll hate myself even more.
I know myself. I know how my disease works. I clearly see now, that it is in fact a disease and I do have a problem. A serious problem.
Facing this fact...admitting it to myself...admitting that I really am powerless over drugs and alcohol...is bringing me a strength I haven't had before. It's pretty amazing actually.
So this Friday I will hop in the car with my family...go for a long drive...go out to dinner...and relax on the couch when I get home...with a cup of hot tea. It sounds amazing. And normal. And healthy. Everything I have ever wanted.
I hope every Friday is just. like. this.
xoxo-Meghann
Honestly though...I expected Friday afternoon to be harder. I've definitely had the voice in my head creep up and say "it's Friday...relax...you can certainly have a drink or two" "you've been so good all week". I'm learning though (...in the obsessive reading about addiction that I've done this week) that the voice is the disease...and it is trying to trick me. I've been in this place before. Given myself a couple days "off"...felt great about myself. Confident that I don't have a problem after all. Maybe I CAN have a drink or two tonight.
Tomorrow I'll have 4...maybe after 4 I'll decide to convince my husband we should get drugs too...we have money in the bank after all. Then 4 will turn into 15 and I'll wake up on Sunday the same way I did last Sunday. Only this time I'll hate myself even more.
I know myself. I know how my disease works. I clearly see now, that it is in fact a disease and I do have a problem. A serious problem.
Facing this fact...admitting it to myself...admitting that I really am powerless over drugs and alcohol...is bringing me a strength I haven't had before. It's pretty amazing actually.
So this Friday I will hop in the car with my family...go for a long drive...go out to dinner...and relax on the couch when I get home...with a cup of hot tea. It sounds amazing. And normal. And healthy. Everything I have ever wanted.
I hope every Friday is just. like. this.
xoxo-Meghann
Lifeline
I created this list of blogs to reference when I start to feel hopeless...it's helped my thus far, hopefully it will help you too.
xoxo- Meghann
Overwhelmed.
*This post is copied from my original post on www.intherooms.com if you would like to be friends with me on ITR feel free to add me! http://www.intherooms.com/megreed06
I knew it would happen, it's only been a few days. I've had such a sense of peace about my decision to finally, finally, get clean. I knew it wouldn't be easy...and after all...it's only the 5th day, but so far it has been. It's the longest I've made it without a drink in YEARS. This afternoon though the peace is subsiding...still there...still "want it" but I'm getting overwhelmed. What if I can't do it? What if I'm just in a phase?
I know of course it's just my brain playing tricks on me. I have to do it because I have finally accepted that I have a problem. It's still overwhelming though. I haven't had to feel feelings...like ever? Ugh. It's a daunting task.
One day at a time. I know that's all I need to do. Just get through the weal moments. This too shall pass.
I found this article about "Functioning Alcoholics" -
http://goodlifenoalcohol.... - it is ME to a T. TO A "T". I've done pretty well for myself considering everything I've done TO myself.
I want to live life. I don't want to go through the motions. Continue the cycle. Over and Over and Over and Over again to the detriment of my health, my marriage...my kids.
This to shall pass...
I knew it would happen, it's only been a few days. I've had such a sense of peace about my decision to finally, finally, get clean. I knew it wouldn't be easy...and after all...it's only the 5th day, but so far it has been. It's the longest I've made it without a drink in YEARS. This afternoon though the peace is subsiding...still there...still "want it" but I'm getting overwhelmed. What if I can't do it? What if I'm just in a phase?
I know of course it's just my brain playing tricks on me. I have to do it because I have finally accepted that I have a problem. It's still overwhelming though. I haven't had to feel feelings...like ever? Ugh. It's a daunting task.
One day at a time. I know that's all I need to do. Just get through the weal moments. This too shall pass.
I found this article about "Functioning Alcoholics" -
http://goodlifenoalcohol.... - it is ME to a T. TO A "T". I've done pretty well for myself considering everything I've done TO myself.
I want to live life. I don't want to go through the motions. Continue the cycle. Over and Over and Over and Over again to the detriment of my health, my marriage...my kids.
This to shall pass...
Why now?
*This post is copied from my original post on www.intherooms.com if you would like to be friends with me on ITR feel free to add me! http://www.intherooms.com/megreed06
August 7, 2013
So I don't know what exactly it is about "this time around" that makes me feel so comfortable and at peace with the decision to change my lifestyle. I've tried before...failed every time. A friend once told me, "you have to REALLY want it". I never felt like I "wanted" it before...I felt like it was something I HAD to do, something I was being forced to do against my will. Even though it was always just a battle within myself (luckily).
I'm not really sure what exactly has changed. I just literally woke up and realized "I'm done. no more. I can't keep doing this." I know it won't be easy...it already isn't EASY. I've opened my heart up this time though and am accepting myself for who I am and what I am and what I want to be. I'm being honest with myself for this first time really.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and in my head I heard "Heal your body and I will heal your mind. Rid the poison from your body and I will rid the poison from your mind." I couldn't get back to sleep after that, but felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I haven't really REALLY prayed in a long time. I grew up in a very Catholic family, my dad is a deacon, my mom worked for the church and taught in a Catholic school. I have some conflicting feelings about Religion, about God...and of course I have Catholic guilt ;-) I feel like I am ready to let go though. I obviously can't do this on my own.
I can accept that I can't drink like a "normal person". I don't know when to stop. It isn't normal to fall down the stairs and get a black eye on a Wednesday night after your husband and kids have fallen asleep. Normal people don't do lines in the basement and fold laundry on a Friday night to blow of some steam because they "deserve it" after a bad week...or a good week! Nothing about the excuses I have made for so many years is even remotely normal.
I'm trying to determine what "normal" is. Will "normal" be fun? Will I still have excitement? AM I going to be bored? Will I miss out?
I am sure what lies ahead is SO much more rewarding. I think that my biggest challenge ahead will be finding comfort in "normal" and not "chaos". I hope to look back on this in the weeks, months and years ahead and have a full heart and know my new life is everything I even had, ever wanted and more.
August 7, 2013
So I don't know what exactly it is about "this time around" that makes me feel so comfortable and at peace with the decision to change my lifestyle. I've tried before...failed every time. A friend once told me, "you have to REALLY want it". I never felt like I "wanted" it before...I felt like it was something I HAD to do, something I was being forced to do against my will. Even though it was always just a battle within myself (luckily).
I'm not really sure what exactly has changed. I just literally woke up and realized "I'm done. no more. I can't keep doing this." I know it won't be easy...it already isn't EASY. I've opened my heart up this time though and am accepting myself for who I am and what I am and what I want to be. I'm being honest with myself for this first time really.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and in my head I heard "Heal your body and I will heal your mind. Rid the poison from your body and I will rid the poison from your mind." I couldn't get back to sleep after that, but felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I haven't really REALLY prayed in a long time. I grew up in a very Catholic family, my dad is a deacon, my mom worked for the church and taught in a Catholic school. I have some conflicting feelings about Religion, about God...and of course I have Catholic guilt ;-) I feel like I am ready to let go though. I obviously can't do this on my own.
I can accept that I can't drink like a "normal person". I don't know when to stop. It isn't normal to fall down the stairs and get a black eye on a Wednesday night after your husband and kids have fallen asleep. Normal people don't do lines in the basement and fold laundry on a Friday night to blow of some steam because they "deserve it" after a bad week...or a good week! Nothing about the excuses I have made for so many years is even remotely normal.
I'm trying to determine what "normal" is. Will "normal" be fun? Will I still have excitement? AM I going to be bored? Will I miss out?
I am sure what lies ahead is SO much more rewarding. I think that my biggest challenge ahead will be finding comfort in "normal" and not "chaos". I hope to look back on this in the weeks, months and years ahead and have a full heart and know my new life is everything I even had, ever wanted and more.
My story...so far
*This post is copied from my original post on www.intherooms.com if you would like to be friends with me on ITR feel free to add me! http://www.intherooms.com/megreed06
August 6, 2013
I am a married mother of 2 amazing little girls. I always joke that "Mommy is a Rockstar!" I am known as a fun girl who really has it together...I have a great job and have achieved success against all odds. But you know what? I am slowly accepting the fact that I am nothing more than a functioning Alcoholic. It's a scary thing to admit. It's embarrassing. It's true.
I started drinking on a regular basis when I was 17 or 18. I had gone through a lot of personal turmoil for a teenage girl and then I was taking care of my mom who was very very sick,as soon as my responsibilities with her lifted the self medicating really started. I started doing drugs, cocaine mostly, on a regular basis when I was 19. The only exception has been when I was pregnant with each of my daughters and for a few months following.
I had my first child when I was 21, got married when I was 21 (she was 7 months old) had my second when I was 23. Meanwhile, I was able to complete my bachelors degree, sell one house...purchase another and start a pretty successful career.
I still drank pretty frequently, but not to out of control. Then about 4-5 years ago, once the girls were out of their "baby stage" I fell back into a nightly drinking habit. Usually after the kids went to bed, always alone 5-6...sometimes more beers. Then my husband and I started using again...1 night a week, to unwind after a long day.
I always justified it. We held down good jobs. We took good care of our kids (or did we?) we have lots of friends.
Obviously there is something wrong with this picture.
My kids have spent 1 to many weekends laying around...because we are, recovering from a hangover or exhausted from staying up all night the night before.
I self medicate to cope with things I don't want to cope with. I justify that I deserve it. I make excuses that it's totally normal. I know it's not.
I want to enjoy life. Not continue in this cycle that I've fallen into. It's exhausting.
I am ready to make this change for myself, for my family. I know it won't be easy but for the first time ever - I want it. I feel ready
August 6, 2013
I am a married mother of 2 amazing little girls. I always joke that "Mommy is a Rockstar!" I am known as a fun girl who really has it together...I have a great job and have achieved success against all odds. But you know what? I am slowly accepting the fact that I am nothing more than a functioning Alcoholic. It's a scary thing to admit. It's embarrassing. It's true.
I started drinking on a regular basis when I was 17 or 18. I had gone through a lot of personal turmoil for a teenage girl and then I was taking care of my mom who was very very sick,as soon as my responsibilities with her lifted the self medicating really started. I started doing drugs, cocaine mostly, on a regular basis when I was 19. The only exception has been when I was pregnant with each of my daughters and for a few months following.
I had my first child when I was 21, got married when I was 21 (she was 7 months old) had my second when I was 23. Meanwhile, I was able to complete my bachelors degree, sell one house...purchase another and start a pretty successful career.
I still drank pretty frequently, but not to out of control. Then about 4-5 years ago, once the girls were out of their "baby stage" I fell back into a nightly drinking habit. Usually after the kids went to bed, always alone 5-6...sometimes more beers. Then my husband and I started using again...1 night a week, to unwind after a long day.
I always justified it. We held down good jobs. We took good care of our kids (or did we?) we have lots of friends.
Obviously there is something wrong with this picture.
My kids have spent 1 to many weekends laying around...because we are, recovering from a hangover or exhausted from staying up all night the night before.
I self medicate to cope with things I don't want to cope with. I justify that I deserve it. I make excuses that it's totally normal. I know it's not.
I want to enjoy life. Not continue in this cycle that I've fallen into. It's exhausting.
I am ready to make this change for myself, for my family. I know it won't be easy but for the first time ever - I want it. I feel ready
Getting started...
Welcome! I am starting this Blog in an effort to help myself..and help others. I am 5 days sober. Yep. 5 days. Sounds like such little time and feels like a lifetime...in a wonderful way.
Earlier this week...in my quest for peace and answers and support I found a great resource called www.intherooms.com - it's kinda sorta like Facebook for addicts. While I don't feel completely at home there...it is definitely a great resource and I don't think I could have gotten through the first few days without it.
I posted my first few blogs there. I am going to copy them over here so that if you are following my story, you can follow from the beginning.
If you are finding this as your try to get sober...I hope I can help you, even if it's just in some small way. I'd love to hear from you if you want to tell your story too!
xoxo- Meghann
Earlier this week...in my quest for peace and answers and support I found a great resource called www.intherooms.com - it's kinda sorta like Facebook for addicts. While I don't feel completely at home there...it is definitely a great resource and I don't think I could have gotten through the first few days without it.
I posted my first few blogs there. I am going to copy them over here so that if you are following my story, you can follow from the beginning.
If you are finding this as your try to get sober...I hope I can help you, even if it's just in some small way. I'd love to hear from you if you want to tell your story too!
xoxo- Meghann
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