Why now?

 *This post is copied from my original post on www.intherooms.com if you would like to be friends with me on ITR feel free to add me! http://www.intherooms.com/megreed06


 August 7, 2013
So I don't know what exactly it is about "this time around" that makes me feel so comfortable and at peace with the decision to change my lifestyle. I've tried before...failed every time. A friend once told me, "you have to REALLY want it". I never felt like I "wanted" it before...I felt like it was something I HAD to do, something I was being forced to do against my will. Even though it was always just a battle within myself (luckily).

I'm not really sure what exactly has changed. I just literally woke up and realized "I'm done. no more. I can't keep doing this." I know it won't be easy...it already isn't EASY. I've opened my heart up this time though and am accepting myself for who I am and what I am and what I want to be. I'm being honest with myself for this first time really.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and in my head I heard "Heal your body and I will heal your mind. Rid the poison from your body and I will rid the poison from your mind." I couldn't get back to sleep after that, but felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I haven't really REALLY prayed in a long time. I grew up in a very Catholic family, my dad is a deacon, my mom worked for the church and taught in a Catholic school. I have some conflicting feelings about Religion, about God...and of course I have Catholic guilt ;-) I feel like I am ready to let go though. I obviously can't do this on my own.

I can accept that I can't drink like a "normal person". I don't know when to stop. It isn't normal to fall down the stairs and get a black eye on a Wednesday night after your husband and kids have fallen asleep. Normal people don't do lines in the basement and fold laundry on a Friday night to blow of some steam because they "deserve it" after a bad week...or a good week! Nothing about the excuses I have made for so many years is even remotely normal.

I'm trying to determine what "normal" is. Will "normal" be fun? Will I still have excitement? AM I going to be bored? Will I miss out?

I am sure what lies ahead is SO much more rewarding. I think that my biggest challenge ahead will be finding comfort in "normal" and not "chaos". I hope to look back on this in the weeks, months and years ahead and have a full heart and know my new life is everything I even had, ever wanted and more.