Friday

It's Fridaaaaay. My first sober Friday...eh probably since I was pregnant over 6 years ago. I've been anticipating Friday afternoon. Bracing myself. I'm trying to avoid Facebook, hoping none of my friends call. My husband and I are hopping in the car with our kids after I get out of work and driving an hour away to get dinner. It's something to do...it's different...and we can avoid temptation in the familiar places. 

Honestly though...I expected Friday afternoon to be harder. I've definitely had the voice in my head creep up and say "it's Friday...relax...you can certainly have a drink or two" "you've been so good all week". I'm learning though (...in the obsessive reading about addiction that I've done this week) that the voice is the disease...and it is trying to trick me. I've been in this place before. Given myself a couple days "off"...felt great about myself. Confident that I don't have a problem after all. Maybe I CAN have a drink or two tonight.

Tomorrow I'll have 4...maybe after 4 I'll decide to convince my husband we should get drugs too...we have money in the bank after all. Then 4 will turn into 15 and I'll wake up on Sunday the same way I did last Sunday. Only this time I'll hate myself even more.

I know myself. I know how my disease works. I clearly see now, that it is in fact a disease and I do have a problem. A serious problem. 

Facing this fact...admitting it to myself...admitting that I really am powerless over drugs and alcohol...is bringing me a strength I haven't had before. It's pretty amazing actually.

So this Friday I will hop in the car with my family...go for a long drive...go out to dinner...and relax on the couch when I get home...with a cup of hot tea. It sounds amazing. And normal. And healthy. Everything I have ever wanted. 

I hope every Friday is just. like. this.

xoxo-Meghann