Society is drunk

"Before You Toast, How Much Wine is To Much?" http://yhoo.it/18baCfR

This article, on my Yahoo home page, caught my attention this morning. 

One thing that particularly stuck out was this....

“You see that in the labels of wine…that are marketed directly to women,” she said, “wine has become culturally respectable as something to relax with, and I think the problem is that a lot of women take it too far.”

That’s when, according to Glaser, women may become frightened, even ashamed. She also says that she thinks modern drinking habits have become intertwined with motherhood.

 I would have to agree, whether it's wine or any other kind of alcohol, drinking in general has become much more socially acceptable than generations before us, especially for mothers. There are funny ecards that circulate all over social media about mommy drinking. 

 These kinds of things are posted equally among every kind of mother I know. Whether it's the young mom, the old mom, the wild mom, the mild mom, the soccer mom...I feel like right now...it is expected for mommy to be half in the bag. It is celebrated.

I see mommy friends (myself included) post photos, or funny stories about alcohol. Honestly for years it isn't unusual AT ALL for most of the pictures of me doing random things around the house...to include a beer. 

#Sunday #Funday

That is a picture from my Instragram account...The only way I would do laundry before was with a beer....a LOT of my friends seemed to agree.

Every occasion...at least in my group of friends, is a drinking occasion.

Kids Birthday parties? Absolutely! Baby Showers? Of course! The mom to be can't drink...but we sure can. In fact one of my best friends had a baby shower last Summer...and afterwards we all came up to my house and had a Bon Fire....we tagged all of the photos "Baby Shower After Hours!"

We all got lit. It was a blast...

So drinking really as become the "norm" as far as I'm concerned. 

And when your drinking becomes a problem? That is so totally NOT normal.

Telling my friends that I am trying to "cut back" on drinking has been met with mixed reactions. Sure...I am know to get pretty wasted when we all get together for grown up nights out. I am totally the sloppy one. However...I think they all enjoy the fact that I can wear that badge and they don't have to...even if they might be just as deserving.

They also don't see the day in and day out level of drinking. The falling down the stairs on a Tuesday night. The spending the last little bit of grocery money on beer so I will tolerable for my family. The bartering with my husband to get another 6 pack. It is all very unhealthy. It's all a big secret in my house. I wonder how many of their houses hide the same secrets?

We don't know because we don't talk about it. I am struggling with this right now. I can spill my heart out here....but very few people in my real life know what I am struggling with. When I attempt to explain it....they are no better than the voices in my head...telling me it's normal to drink the way I do.

I'm afraid to "come out" with my story. I am embarrassed. I don't like to draw attention for negative reasons....or seem like I am seeking attention. If I stumble and have a set back I don't want THAT scrutiny either. I'm scared.

I feel really guilty about that though. A girl I know...who has since become one of my very best friends...checked herself into rehab a few months ago. She posted about it on Facebook. Her honesty and similarities to the way I felt moved me to tears. It really made me take a good hard look at my life and motivated me to start taking this disease seriously. I reached out to her to let her know how much she has moved me and how much I was rooting for her and we've now become each others cheerleaders. It's like we were always meant to be friends and share this experience together. If she hadn't come forward with her story I know I would still be stuck in the same awful cycle unable to come up for air. Even though I still have set backs and can't say I wont relapse again...I have at least found the strength to come up for air.

I feel pretty certain if I could just be strong enough to share my story publicly...with people who actually know me in real life....it would have the same effect for someone else. I could help someone save their life. That is an amazing gift to give. 

I think alcoholism among women is likely at epidemic levels. We are all silenced by shame, and guilt and fear. Enough of us aren't sharing our struggles openly or putting a "normal" face on this disease.

I am a successful, young mother. I have a beautiful family. I have an amazing job. I'm attractive and fun to be around (so I hear) and...I'm a drunk. I feel like that is a compelling story....it's just not the story I ever wanted to have... or be the "face" for.

I don't have a solution to this. I can't say with any certainty when I'll be ready to "come out" to my real life acquaintances and friends.The stigma is so great and I am just not strong enough.

I hope this changes. I hope I get stronger. 

Society is drunk right now. 

I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where the demons I am dealing with are par for the course and if you decide to face these demons it's stranger than embracing them.

It's just so sad...

I feel like my posts lately have all been pretty dark...and depressing...

I'm sitting here feeling like I have been hit by a mac truck and realizing that my brain is kind of like that right now too. What's the deal?!

I know part of it is because I'm still recovering from the weekend...Tuesday's for the last several years typically feel a little foggy. Monday isn't enough of a rest.

It used to be days that like this I would go home and drink. I mean, I drank every day, but on days like this I would say "man, it's been a rough day...I need a fucking beer"

I suppose on good days I would say the same thing...

I wont today though.

I also know I've been eating like crap. Haven't been exercising. Just been dragging. I even took a pregnancy test (or 3) to see if maybe that was what was wrong with me. 

I think I'm just good old fashioned run down.

I know as part of getting healthy. Part of recovery, I need to take care of myself. Not just eliminate alcohol, but really, truly focus on getting healthy. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally.

For so long I've been a self medicator.

When I was a teenager with low self esteem...I learned I could drink more than other girls and keep up with the boys. 

When my mom was battling cancer...I learned I could make the worry and the stress go away for a little while.

When my addiction started to really get bad and I was doing every drug you can possibly imagine and putting myself in terrible situations...I was so fucked up I really didn't care.

When I was 19-20 and my circle of friends was literally dropping like flies, dying from drug overdoses...I hoped I would be next so I wouldn't have to go through this anymore. I kept doing it though...I didn't die.

I got pregnant.

My daughter saved my life. I have said it before and it is the absolute truth. Saved. My. Life.  My now husband and I were both sorry excuses for functioning adults. I stayed up all night...pretty much every night...put beer in my coffee mug and went to work. I was only 20 at the time. He wasn't much better, although he was older...and growing tired of that whole cycle.

He told me he knew I was trouble and he knew he needed to back away from the relationship we were establishing.

Then I got pregnant.

Without missing a beat I quit everything. Including my job - which in retrospect I needed to do so I could process the fact that I was going to be a mom and I barely knew the man who would be her father.

I know everything happens for a reason. There is no logical reason why...9 years later...my husband is now my husband. We have 2 beautiful kids, a beautiful home and a pretty enviable life by most standards. 

It makes zero sense. But it works for us and we love each other so much...because we both know what the alternative is and what we both were at one point.

But isn't that the problem in some ways too? We both know eachothers deepest, darkest demons. 

While we have pulled ourselves out of the darkest points in our life...some things haven't changed so much...we just hide it behind our beautiful life.

For a few years while we were busy having babies we really did keep it together. A couple nights a year we'd go out and drink with our friends, do lines and hate ourselves for days. But we would enjoy those nights to "get it out of our system". We really really were so much better off in that aspect than where we've ended up. 

At some point though things changed. Another time Ill process the ascend back into daily drinking and weekly drug use...as I mull it over in my head, it's so predictable and and in retrospect so obvious. 

We never got as bad as we "were" but we were much worse than we should have ever been. And it's been this way for at least 5 years.

How sad. 

My daughter saved me the first time. Now I want to save them. I don't want them to think this cycle is normal. No matter how much I try to tell myself they don't notice...of course they do. 

It is all so sad. No wonder my sober mind keeps getting more and more cloudy. 

I just want a happy life. I have a happy life....I want to live it though. Not go through the motions.

Writing this has reminded me just how complicated this disease is. My story is textbook in so many ways. Writing this helps keep me in check....I have been struggling for SO long, it's time to make it right and make myself healthy.

I just wish I could shake the feeling of how sad it is to be this way though. To have lived this life. I guess I never ever want my kids to go through this and I am so scared I have passed this along to them and they will. It is just. so . sad.

I started writing this today with every intention of writing a happy post. Full of hope. And rainbows and butterflies and cliches. If you're ready this...I'm sorry...I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

Hope "8 terrible ways to quit drinking"

 

This was exactly what I needed to see this morning: "8 terrible ways to quit drinking"  http://bit.ly/13AHiBC

I could relate to almost all of it! 

Like I've said before....controlled drinking is only controlled until it isn't. 

Beating myself up is only effective in making myself feel like the worst person in the world....

Just wanted to share that post...seeing other peoples stories gives me hope...the same hope I someday hope to give others. 

baby steps.

A friend of mine with many years of sobriety told me that each little step is progress in the right direction and eventually the little steps all add up to the big reward.

I'm trying to keep that in mind. This weekend didn't go as planned. Maybe I overestimated my husbands will power and readiness to commit to this change. He's been struggling and I didn't know. So I've been leaning on him for strength and then when he stumbles...I go crashing down too. 

So no, this weekend wasn't a good weekend for sobriety. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel hopeless again.

I'm trying to remember that if I keep pushing forward and keep making progress even if I fall, it's still steps in the right direction.

 I need to work on being stronger within myself and not just relying on my husband to have the strength. I need to be strong for him sometimes too. 

Time to refocus. Put in the work. Commit to this. Again.

Mud

I started this blog for a few reasons. One of them being to give an honest representation of early recovery. I'm trying. I really am. 

I will be brutally honest here. I refuse to give a fake account and not let you guys know when I struggle. This is real life. 

Last night my husband struggled. A harmless excursion with his brother after work turned into drinking and bad decisions. They came here with beer and told me I could head out to get more drugs. I hate saying that. It sounds so dirty. I would judge me if I were reading this.

I didn't go though. I did drink a few beers...but I didn't go. So in one way I feel like I succeeded and in another way I feel I failed. 

I'm becoming more and more self aware. I know it's a slippery slope. Controlled drinking only works until it doesn't. 

My goal is to one day say I am in recovery. I feel like I'm army crawling my way there though. 

I literally feel like I'm on my belly, dirt and mud in my face, making my way to the finish line I can't yet see. Then I hit an obstacle and slide backwards. Cut up, filthy, a little defeated...but I keep crawling forward. 

That's what this process really is. It's like a tough mudder race in your brain. 

At least for me it is. 

So, this is my truth. I hope to get some readers here who will root for me to reach the finish line. I don't blame you if you don't though. It might be to messy to watch. 

But it's real. Dirty, raw and real. 

Perspective

Today I am happy. Learning the importance of one day at a time. Relishing the peace that comes without the burden of living for my next drink. That was in fact my reality. I'm determined to make my reality something simpler. Something calmer. Something more real. This sums it up perfectly...

I am smarter than I was a month ago. I know now this isn't going to be easy. I need to be ready and waiting for the inevitable doubts that will creep in and tell me I don't have a problem. I need to remember the severity of how much this has consumed my life. I need to consume my life with the real now. And work for it. 

I'm focusing again on step 3 and giving trust another go. I'm turning this over to God and trusting him to bring me peace to get through the hard times ahead. Lets do this. 

Being sober is really really hard

I'm back. I haven't been updating - but I will start again.

Being sober is hard. I was so smug the first couple of weeks. I was so ready. It was so surprisingly easy. Lesson learned! I knew it was to good to be true, that I just woke up, changed and carried on my merry way. It was to good to be true. This recovery thing is no joke. It only works if you do.

So I will surrender to the process. The setbacks. The hard days and the good ones. I will put in the work.

I went to the concert.  17 days sober. Pissed at God. Confident in myself that I had "dried out" and could have a few drinks like a normal person. 

So I grabbed beer on the way home...to take to the concert of course. I drank one in the shower...then another while I was getting ready. Then drank the entire car ride to the concert. Again at the concert. Until my husband couldn't stand me anymore and we left. And I drank the whole way home.

Ooops. That didn't really go as planned.

Then my husband had plans with his friends that involved drinking that Friday. I told him, go! Have fun! You've been so good...you totally deserve it! Secretly because I knew if he was drinking that night I could take up my favorite past time. Drinking and Dateline on a Friday night! Peace and Quiet. Cold beer in hand...remote to myself. It was lovely. Had 4 beers. Went to bed...felt great the next day. See...I told myself....I can do this. 

The following evening we took our kids to a show. I didn't drink at the show...not because it was a Disney Live show, but mainly because we didn't have the money and I knew my husband would never let me get away with it. So when we got home, and got the kids off to bed, I resumed position. I only drank 3... (do normal people feel the need to count I wonder?) I went to bed, felt great the next day. See...I told myself...this is so normal. Normal people drink a few beers on a Friday and Saturday night and don't  beat themselves up about it and feel like a horrible person and decide they have a "problem". Clearly I was over reacting. 

The following afternoon (a Sunday) we went to a BBQ. Of course everyone was drinking...because that's what our friends do when they get together. So I drank. I brought 2 with me. Drank those. Then drank the beers offered to me, 5 or so. Then got home and drank the stow away in the back of the fridge. And a nasty lime-a-rita thing that had been in there for awhile because I don't like them anyway. But desperate times....

I felt crappy... a little guilty. Ready to get back on the wagon I told my husband. 

But then I found out that our favorite bar was closing and Friday night would be it's last night in business. My husband and I met there....I mean...we really should be there for their last night in business...it was the right thing to do. Plus we'd been "good" for almost a month. Oh! And it could be an end of one chapter, beginning of another right? Right. Although, if we are going to go out drinking...we really can't do that without drugs. Not if we're going to be drinking all night. Anyway...we've had a good run. *keep inserting justifications here* So we went. And partied. And $300 and a hangover later...it wasn't a bad time, wasn't a great time...at least what I remember. It was just more of the same.

I didn't want to beat myself up though about it. No. That's to uncomfortable. I had already proved I didn't have a problem by not drinking for 17 days in a row. I had only drank 5 days out of the last month, I could count that one 1 hand! *justify...justify....justify*

So Sunday night there were 3 beers in the fridge and I decided to drink them. I knew 3 wouldn't do the job though...I was going to need to get more. Long story short...long argument with my husband about it...trip to the store in which I basically snuck out of the house to get a 6 pack...answered a call from my 6 year old crying that I left without saying goodbye...more fighting with my husband when I got home and continued to drink. good times.

I got up in the morning and my husband had poured out the remaining beers in the fridge. I thanked him. He wasn't talking to me. 

Ok...ok. This is not normal.

Today would have been 1 month sober for me. I couldn't even make it a month.

My point is this: It was so easy at first! Recovery isn't easy though. It is so fucking hard! Look how quickly I went from accepting my demons, accepting God as my truth and turning everything over to him...feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace...to getting sucked right back in and ending right back in the same cycle. This disease is no joke!

I can accept now...and mean it....that my recovery has to be priority number one for awhile. I need to change my "people, places and things". I can't put myself in situations that allow this disease to trick me into thinking its all good and I just got a little out of control. Ive been out of control for years. Ive gone years drinking literally every single day. 

This isn't the life I want to have. This isn't how I want to be remembered. The isn't the reputation I want to precede me. This isn't the example I want to set for my kids.

I need to be more cognizant of relapse. I need to be more aware of how easy it is to relapse....not recover. Recovery isn't easy. 

Nothing worth having is though.
 

 

Oopsie

This week I am working on Step 3. I am focusing on trust. Trusting God in particular. 

It isn't going well.

Yesterday afternoon our puppy "Oopsie" was hit by a car at the end of our driveway. She was killed. 

Our dogs are part of our family. We are that absolutely ridiculous family who treats their fur babies like actual babies. Oopsie was named Oopsie because we decided we couldn't take in any more dogs, we already had 4 - she became our 5th after we nursed her back to health & our youngest daughter became incredibly attached.

About 6 months ago, Oopsie disappeared for about a week...turns out another family had her - but we had literally thousands of people all over our town looking for her.Sharing her lost puppy poster, asking strangers to help us bring her home. Even now people ask us about Oopsie when they see us.

We've spent well over $1,000 in vet bills for all of her various ailments. She was definitely a family project and she was an amazing little addition to our family. Oopsie was obsessed with our youngest daughter and followed her around the house. They were so in love with each other.

I will never forget the look on her face when we had to tell her about her puppy yesterday.

So I can't help but wonder why...why, on a day that I was praying and asking God for strength...for proof of his presence in my life...trusting him...turning my problems over to him....why? 

I am pissed. 

I didn't drink last night, although I really wanted to. I probably will drink tonight. I'm putting this work in and trying to get better...and as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like my prayers were laughed at and thrown back in my face.

I know it isn't right to be angry with God. I know it isn't right to use this heartache as an excuse to throw in the towel for the night. I know that the disease is telling me it is and I need to be stronger than that. I know I'm heartbroken and having a few drinks wont make it better. I know I can have just as much fun not drinking and Ill feel great about myself. I know all of that.

But right now...I really don't care.

Nervous.

My attitude today has improved. I am going to "Let go and Let God". I am trying to focus on not worrying about the future and what it hold for my sobriety. I will focus on One day at a time.

But...I am nervous about tomorrow!

Let me explain....

For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.

Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.

The concert is tomorrow.

How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?

There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober. 

This is ridiculous.

Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...

that is what my head sounds like right now. 

So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.

Will it work? I don't know yet.

I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.

But I am so nervous.

Honeymoon is over.

15 days. I have been sober for 15 days. I'm grateful for this accomplishment.

This weekend wasn't easy though. It was warm and sunny Saturday afternoon. Perfect drinking weather. I kept thinking...I should be able to sit by the pool and drink a few beers. I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't do that.

I felt grumpy....Anxious.... A little resentful.

It's been SO easy up until this weekend. I have felt such a sense of peace. I've know that this is exactly what I have to do and I have felt confident in this decision. You should know...I have tried to get sober before...many many times. I never lasted more than a few days. Finally I feel ready and I want it...but now 2 weeks in...it's getting harder.

Will it ever get easier?

I am finding myself doubting how long I can do this. I am setting goals for myself of...1 more week. Just get 1 month behind you to prove you can do it. I keep hearing a voice in my head say "You can drink again, you just needed to shock your system and you wont get so bad again, you can have a few..." It's getting harder for me to tell the voice it's wrong and I have a problem. I am starting to question my own strength.

So, if you have been following my story you know I have been trying to follow the 12 steps. This week I will focus on Step 3.

According the 12steps.org.... "Step 3 is where I decide to trust God with my recovery. I have admitted my powerlessness to overcome my addictive behaviors on my own. I have realized that there is a Higher Power that can deliver me from the insanity of my addiction. Now I am ready to make the step of giving these matters over to this Higher Power, to God as I understand God. I trust that God can restore me to a right mind, a sane mind that leads me to sane and healthy behavior and a life filled with greater serenity, personal power and even joy. I let God be the overall manager of my life. I "let go and let God"."

Fair enough.

I will work this week on trust. I will pray for strength. I will focus on 1 day at a time instead of worrying about my long term success.I will Trust even if it's beyond my own comprehension whether or not I will succeed.