Mud

I started this blog for a few reasons. One of them being to give an honest representation of early recovery. I'm trying. I really am. 

I will be brutally honest here. I refuse to give a fake account and not let you guys know when I struggle. This is real life. 

Last night my husband struggled. A harmless excursion with his brother after work turned into drinking and bad decisions. They came here with beer and told me I could head out to get more drugs. I hate saying that. It sounds so dirty. I would judge me if I were reading this.

I didn't go though. I did drink a few beers...but I didn't go. So in one way I feel like I succeeded and in another way I feel I failed. 

I'm becoming more and more self aware. I know it's a slippery slope. Controlled drinking only works until it doesn't. 

My goal is to one day say I am in recovery. I feel like I'm army crawling my way there though. 

I literally feel like I'm on my belly, dirt and mud in my face, making my way to the finish line I can't yet see. Then I hit an obstacle and slide backwards. Cut up, filthy, a little defeated...but I keep crawling forward. 

That's what this process really is. It's like a tough mudder race in your brain. 

At least for me it is. 

So, this is my truth. I hope to get some readers here who will root for me to reach the finish line. I don't blame you if you don't though. It might be to messy to watch. 

But it's real. Dirty, raw and real.