*Friday*

Fridays are apparently becoming very symbolic for me.It's Friday...and for the first time on the little journey of mine I have no anxiety or hesitation about it. I can honestly say that. I'm just happy it's Friday. 

Friday has usually been a day of mixed emotions for me. 

...Anticipation of the high. 
...Anxiety about the high. 
....Determination not to chase the high.
....Regret about the decisions I knew I would be making.
....Justification about the decisions I would be making.
....Denial that any of this was a problem.

yuck.

It's really been so exhausting in retrospect.

Today I'm excited to have "Make your own pizza night" with my amazing daughters. They are so excited about it. I'm excited to watch Dateline with my husband...in a clean home. Im excited to not have to jump out of bed in the morning and be able to sleep in...even if it's just till the girls let me.

I'm excited to do it sober. To not have a beer in hand while making said pizzas. To be able to cuddle with my husband...because I don't need to sit upright to drink the beer in my hand. (hot tea is much less intrusive for so many reasons) I'm excited to get up in the morning rested. Without guilt. Without regret. Without a pounding heading.

With patience. With peace. With hope.

Hopeless would describe the way I have felt so much of the time these last several years. Just hopeless. I would wake up with dread sometimes. Overwhelming guilt. The reality that we would never change and this was just the life we had.

No one from the outside looking in would know.. We're a super fun family, with great kids. We really have it together. They don't know that Mommy drinks every single day. That I've bought beer when we needed milk. That mommy and daddy tend to pull all nighters on Fridays or Saturdays and then sleep the following day away. They don't know how much money we have spent to support these habits and the toll it takes on our family. We really have it together.

I am so looking forward to the day when I can say that it's true. We really do have it together. Just taking these small steps makes it feel like more than I've ever had before.

Perspective

Today I am happy. Learning the importance of one day at a time. Relishing the peace that comes without the burden of living for my next drink. That was in fact my reality. I'm determined to make my reality something simpler. Something calmer. Something more real. This sums it up perfectly...

I am smarter than I was a month ago. I know now this isn't going to be easy. I need to be ready and waiting for the inevitable doubts that will creep in and tell me I don't have a problem. I need to remember the severity of how much this has consumed my life. I need to consume my life with the real now. And work for it. 

I'm focusing again on step 3 and giving trust another go. I'm turning this over to God and trusting him to bring me peace to get through the hard times ahead. Lets do this. 

Being sober is really really hard

I'm back. I haven't been updating - but I will start again.

Being sober is hard. I was so smug the first couple of weeks. I was so ready. It was so surprisingly easy. Lesson learned! I knew it was to good to be true, that I just woke up, changed and carried on my merry way. It was to good to be true. This recovery thing is no joke. It only works if you do.

So I will surrender to the process. The setbacks. The hard days and the good ones. I will put in the work.

I went to the concert.  17 days sober. Pissed at God. Confident in myself that I had "dried out" and could have a few drinks like a normal person. 

So I grabbed beer on the way home...to take to the concert of course. I drank one in the shower...then another while I was getting ready. Then drank the entire car ride to the concert. Again at the concert. Until my husband couldn't stand me anymore and we left. And I drank the whole way home.

Ooops. That didn't really go as planned.

Then my husband had plans with his friends that involved drinking that Friday. I told him, go! Have fun! You've been so good...you totally deserve it! Secretly because I knew if he was drinking that night I could take up my favorite past time. Drinking and Dateline on a Friday night! Peace and Quiet. Cold beer in hand...remote to myself. It was lovely. Had 4 beers. Went to bed...felt great the next day. See...I told myself....I can do this. 

The following evening we took our kids to a show. I didn't drink at the show...not because it was a Disney Live show, but mainly because we didn't have the money and I knew my husband would never let me get away with it. So when we got home, and got the kids off to bed, I resumed position. I only drank 3... (do normal people feel the need to count I wonder?) I went to bed, felt great the next day. See...I told myself...this is so normal. Normal people drink a few beers on a Friday and Saturday night and don't  beat themselves up about it and feel like a horrible person and decide they have a "problem". Clearly I was over reacting. 

The following afternoon (a Sunday) we went to a BBQ. Of course everyone was drinking...because that's what our friends do when they get together. So I drank. I brought 2 with me. Drank those. Then drank the beers offered to me, 5 or so. Then got home and drank the stow away in the back of the fridge. And a nasty lime-a-rita thing that had been in there for awhile because I don't like them anyway. But desperate times....

I felt crappy... a little guilty. Ready to get back on the wagon I told my husband. 

But then I found out that our favorite bar was closing and Friday night would be it's last night in business. My husband and I met there....I mean...we really should be there for their last night in business...it was the right thing to do. Plus we'd been "good" for almost a month. Oh! And it could be an end of one chapter, beginning of another right? Right. Although, if we are going to go out drinking...we really can't do that without drugs. Not if we're going to be drinking all night. Anyway...we've had a good run. *keep inserting justifications here* So we went. And partied. And $300 and a hangover later...it wasn't a bad time, wasn't a great time...at least what I remember. It was just more of the same.

I didn't want to beat myself up though about it. No. That's to uncomfortable. I had already proved I didn't have a problem by not drinking for 17 days in a row. I had only drank 5 days out of the last month, I could count that one 1 hand! *justify...justify....justify*

So Sunday night there were 3 beers in the fridge and I decided to drink them. I knew 3 wouldn't do the job though...I was going to need to get more. Long story short...long argument with my husband about it...trip to the store in which I basically snuck out of the house to get a 6 pack...answered a call from my 6 year old crying that I left without saying goodbye...more fighting with my husband when I got home and continued to drink. good times.

I got up in the morning and my husband had poured out the remaining beers in the fridge. I thanked him. He wasn't talking to me. 

Ok...ok. This is not normal.

Today would have been 1 month sober for me. I couldn't even make it a month.

My point is this: It was so easy at first! Recovery isn't easy though. It is so fucking hard! Look how quickly I went from accepting my demons, accepting God as my truth and turning everything over to him...feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace...to getting sucked right back in and ending right back in the same cycle. This disease is no joke!

I can accept now...and mean it....that my recovery has to be priority number one for awhile. I need to change my "people, places and things". I can't put myself in situations that allow this disease to trick me into thinking its all good and I just got a little out of control. Ive been out of control for years. Ive gone years drinking literally every single day. 

This isn't the life I want to have. This isn't how I want to be remembered. The isn't the reputation I want to precede me. This isn't the example I want to set for my kids.

I need to be more cognizant of relapse. I need to be more aware of how easy it is to relapse....not recover. Recovery isn't easy. 

Nothing worth having is though.
 

 

Oopsie

This week I am working on Step 3. I am focusing on trust. Trusting God in particular. 

It isn't going well.

Yesterday afternoon our puppy "Oopsie" was hit by a car at the end of our driveway. She was killed. 

Our dogs are part of our family. We are that absolutely ridiculous family who treats their fur babies like actual babies. Oopsie was named Oopsie because we decided we couldn't take in any more dogs, we already had 4 - she became our 5th after we nursed her back to health & our youngest daughter became incredibly attached.

About 6 months ago, Oopsie disappeared for about a week...turns out another family had her - but we had literally thousands of people all over our town looking for her.Sharing her lost puppy poster, asking strangers to help us bring her home. Even now people ask us about Oopsie when they see us.

We've spent well over $1,000 in vet bills for all of her various ailments. She was definitely a family project and she was an amazing little addition to our family. Oopsie was obsessed with our youngest daughter and followed her around the house. They were so in love with each other.

I will never forget the look on her face when we had to tell her about her puppy yesterday.

So I can't help but wonder why...why, on a day that I was praying and asking God for strength...for proof of his presence in my life...trusting him...turning my problems over to him....why? 

I am pissed. 

I didn't drink last night, although I really wanted to. I probably will drink tonight. I'm putting this work in and trying to get better...and as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like my prayers were laughed at and thrown back in my face.

I know it isn't right to be angry with God. I know it isn't right to use this heartache as an excuse to throw in the towel for the night. I know that the disease is telling me it is and I need to be stronger than that. I know I'm heartbroken and having a few drinks wont make it better. I know I can have just as much fun not drinking and Ill feel great about myself. I know all of that.

But right now...I really don't care.

Nervous.

My attitude today has improved. I am going to "Let go and Let God". I am trying to focus on not worrying about the future and what it hold for my sobriety. I will focus on One day at a time.

But...I am nervous about tomorrow!

Let me explain....

For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.

Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.

The concert is tomorrow.

How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?

There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober. 

This is ridiculous.

Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...

that is what my head sounds like right now. 

So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.

Will it work? I don't know yet.

I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.

But I am so nervous.

Honeymoon is over.

15 days. I have been sober for 15 days. I'm grateful for this accomplishment.

This weekend wasn't easy though. It was warm and sunny Saturday afternoon. Perfect drinking weather. I kept thinking...I should be able to sit by the pool and drink a few beers. I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't do that.

I felt grumpy....Anxious.... A little resentful.

It's been SO easy up until this weekend. I have felt such a sense of peace. I've know that this is exactly what I have to do and I have felt confident in this decision. You should know...I have tried to get sober before...many many times. I never lasted more than a few days. Finally I feel ready and I want it...but now 2 weeks in...it's getting harder.

Will it ever get easier?

I am finding myself doubting how long I can do this. I am setting goals for myself of...1 more week. Just get 1 month behind you to prove you can do it. I keep hearing a voice in my head say "You can drink again, you just needed to shock your system and you wont get so bad again, you can have a few..." It's getting harder for me to tell the voice it's wrong and I have a problem. I am starting to question my own strength.

So, if you have been following my story you know I have been trying to follow the 12 steps. This week I will focus on Step 3.

According the 12steps.org.... "Step 3 is where I decide to trust God with my recovery. I have admitted my powerlessness to overcome my addictive behaviors on my own. I have realized that there is a Higher Power that can deliver me from the insanity of my addiction. Now I am ready to make the step of giving these matters over to this Higher Power, to God as I understand God. I trust that God can restore me to a right mind, a sane mind that leads me to sane and healthy behavior and a life filled with greater serenity, personal power and even joy. I let God be the overall manager of my life. I "let go and let God"."

Fair enough.

I will work this week on trust. I will pray for strength. I will focus on 1 day at a time instead of worrying about my long term success.I will Trust even if it's beyond my own comprehension whether or not I will succeed.

Hey Friday...

It's another Friday! 

I am excited...like genuinely excited...to go home and clean my house tonight.

The weekend seems to give me a slight pit in my stomach though where I crave some excitement. Feel like I'm missing out. Feel like I deserve to tip a few back and unwind... I really feel such a sense of peace though I just try to hold on to that. This too shall pass.

So in looking ahead...this week I have been working on Step 2. Faith. I have seriously gotten some incredible signs. A friend told me that God doesn't have to be the same for everyone. I don't know who God is for me yet. What God is for me yet. But...I am finding Faith. And I have Faith...that I will know these things in time. For now I find comfort in the peace that has come over me like a fuzzy blanket. I used to say beer was my fuzzy blanket...this blanket is fuzzier.

On a side note....as if trying to change my life for the better wasn't enough...here are a few other positive side effects of abstaining for alcohol....

• I am losing weight like CRAZY. I weigh less now than I did a few months ago when I was at the peak of working out like a Maniac. I have lost 4 lbs in 12 days...
• I have a little handy app on my phone called "I'm Done Drinking" - when I downloaded the app I had to enter how many beers a day on average I would drink and how much each beer would cost. I low balled it.. Apparently I have saved over $70 dollars and over 8,300 calories in 12 days. 
• No hangover...nuf said.

Just some little useless tid bits of information to help remind me that this is a good change. 

Leave the past in the past and look forward to what's to come.

xoxo

Reality Check

I knew it would happen. Ive been so positive and feeling so amazing about everything for the last week and a half. Until last night...last night sucked.

The kids were miserable. The husband was miserable. My anxiety was out of control. By 7 I was crying on the couch because my husband "hurt my feelings" we put the kids to bed at 8:30 (1/2 hour early) because they wouldn't clean their rooms....which must have sounded to the neighbors like we were beating our children and my 7 year old ended up having a full blown anxiety attack because her dad said he would take away her guitar if she didn't start to listen.

holy shit. 

This was a reality check for me...just because you're making changes...doesn't mean there won't be bad days. The way I cope will be different though. Which is a bit difficult because it's also apparent my coping skills are lacking when I don't have a beer in my hand. 

I'll get stronger. I won't always be reduced to a puddle of tears if my evening doesn't go as planned. It was a good reminder that this is still really raw, and I still have a lot of growth to make.

Step 2

Yesterday was pretty amazing. I was and am so honored to be my nephew's Godmother. I mentioned that this week I am really trying to open my heart to Step 2. 

Step 2 is all about faith. I prayed that God would speak to me somehow through the mass. Help my heart to soften a little. I feel like I have a pretty big wall built up between God and I. My dad is a Deacon (I told you it's a complicated relationship I have with God). So, being a Deacon, my Dad presided over the Mass yesterday, said the homily and Baptized my nephew.

The homily was all about Faith. Literally all about having to have faith. Do what is difficult even when its challenging and always having Faith that God will see you through it. 

Whoa.

I felt at peace throughout the mass. Not angry, not resentful, like I have come to feel many times in Mass. Just peaceful. 

I did struggle with some issues surrounding family. I struggled a little at the reception afterwards since it was my first social function, involving alcohol, since I decided to get sober just over a week ago. And no one that was there other than my husband, knows I have made this choice. I got through it though and felt stronger for it. I am learning it really is true the "Strength comes from moments of Weakness". 

I will continue to work on Step 2 this week. I can see that God is trying to show me his presence in my life. I will try to soften my heart and I pray that he helps me to soften as well. 

If nothing else I can say I have a much greater sense of peace already this week. A lot of my anxiety has lifted and for that I am grateful.

-xoxo-

One day at a time

I've been sober for a week! It feels amazing. This week was all about step 1- I've truly embraced the fact that I am powerless to my disease and with that truth comes strength, acceptance and POWER. I never ever thought this moment in my life would come. 

It isn't easy though. It's humbling. It's true that you have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes just a moment at a time. In the moments of weakness come strength though and 1 week in I'm feeling confident. 

Today I will become a godmother. My nephew will be baptized. I am trying to work on step 2. I feel like I have a complicated relationship with God. I'm trying to open my heart though. It feels symbolic that I will be back in church, becoming a godmother, 1 week into changing my life at the time Im trying to open my heart to God. I feel like I am worthy of this role now. God is putting many signs in front of me. I can see it. Feel it. 

So I will work on Step 2 this week even if it overwhelms me. Maybe more than Step 1. 

One day at a time...