Oopsie

This week I am working on Step 3. I am focusing on trust. Trusting God in particular. 

It isn't going well.

Yesterday afternoon our puppy "Oopsie" was hit by a car at the end of our driveway. She was killed. 

Our dogs are part of our family. We are that absolutely ridiculous family who treats their fur babies like actual babies. Oopsie was named Oopsie because we decided we couldn't take in any more dogs, we already had 4 - she became our 5th after we nursed her back to health & our youngest daughter became incredibly attached.

About 6 months ago, Oopsie disappeared for about a week...turns out another family had her - but we had literally thousands of people all over our town looking for her.Sharing her lost puppy poster, asking strangers to help us bring her home. Even now people ask us about Oopsie when they see us.

We've spent well over $1,000 in vet bills for all of her various ailments. She was definitely a family project and she was an amazing little addition to our family. Oopsie was obsessed with our youngest daughter and followed her around the house. They were so in love with each other.

I will never forget the look on her face when we had to tell her about her puppy yesterday.

So I can't help but wonder why...why, on a day that I was praying and asking God for strength...for proof of his presence in my life...trusting him...turning my problems over to him....why? 

I am pissed. 

I didn't drink last night, although I really wanted to. I probably will drink tonight. I'm putting this work in and trying to get better...and as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like my prayers were laughed at and thrown back in my face.

I know it isn't right to be angry with God. I know it isn't right to use this heartache as an excuse to throw in the towel for the night. I know that the disease is telling me it is and I need to be stronger than that. I know I'm heartbroken and having a few drinks wont make it better. I know I can have just as much fun not drinking and Ill feel great about myself. I know all of that.

But right now...I really don't care.

Nervous.

My attitude today has improved. I am going to "Let go and Let God". I am trying to focus on not worrying about the future and what it hold for my sobriety. I will focus on One day at a time.

But...I am nervous about tomorrow!

Let me explain....

For my birthday...which was August 1st...my husband bought tickets for us to go see Kacey Musgraves, Eli Young Band and Kenny Chesney in concert. I am SO excited. I requested the day after the concert off in anticipation of how rough I would undoubtedly feel. I plotted in my head how much fun tailgating would be...etc. etc.

Well on August 4th...after my birthday party bonfire and the mother of all hangovers....I decided enough was enough and I was going to stop drinking for awhile. At least until the concert. Yep, no drinking until the concert. On August 5th...I realized that was kinda bullshit and I needed to accept my problems and give my recovery more of a chance.

The concert is tomorrow.

How the hell am I going to stay sober at a Kenny fucking Chesney concert?

There will be drunk people all around me. It's a huge party. I am only 2 and a half weeks sober. 

This is ridiculous.

Instead of being excited....which I am...I keep finding my self overcome with anxiety. Is it going to be torture? Will I be able to have fun? Is my husband going to have fun? What if I can't do it? What's the big deal, the concert was your initial goal? Drink at the concert then get back on track... you don't have to work on Thursday anyway...

that is what my head sounds like right now. 

So last night I went for a run. Before bed I meditated. This morning I got up at 5 am and ran. Tonight I will meditate. I keep praying for God to help me, take away the anxiety and allow me to just have fun with my husband.

Will it work? I don't know yet.

I am really excited for some time with my husband. We haven't had a sober date night....well, since I was pregnant with our second daughter over 6 years ago. I am excited to be fully present and enjoy the show. I hope. I am excited for the sense of accomplishment I will feel if I succeed.

But I am so nervous.

Honeymoon is over.

15 days. I have been sober for 15 days. I'm grateful for this accomplishment.

This weekend wasn't easy though. It was warm and sunny Saturday afternoon. Perfect drinking weather. I kept thinking...I should be able to sit by the pool and drink a few beers. I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't do that.

I felt grumpy....Anxious.... A little resentful.

It's been SO easy up until this weekend. I have felt such a sense of peace. I've know that this is exactly what I have to do and I have felt confident in this decision. You should know...I have tried to get sober before...many many times. I never lasted more than a few days. Finally I feel ready and I want it...but now 2 weeks in...it's getting harder.

Will it ever get easier?

I am finding myself doubting how long I can do this. I am setting goals for myself of...1 more week. Just get 1 month behind you to prove you can do it. I keep hearing a voice in my head say "You can drink again, you just needed to shock your system and you wont get so bad again, you can have a few..." It's getting harder for me to tell the voice it's wrong and I have a problem. I am starting to question my own strength.

So, if you have been following my story you know I have been trying to follow the 12 steps. This week I will focus on Step 3.

According the 12steps.org.... "Step 3 is where I decide to trust God with my recovery. I have admitted my powerlessness to overcome my addictive behaviors on my own. I have realized that there is a Higher Power that can deliver me from the insanity of my addiction. Now I am ready to make the step of giving these matters over to this Higher Power, to God as I understand God. I trust that God can restore me to a right mind, a sane mind that leads me to sane and healthy behavior and a life filled with greater serenity, personal power and even joy. I let God be the overall manager of my life. I "let go and let God"."

Fair enough.

I will work this week on trust. I will pray for strength. I will focus on 1 day at a time instead of worrying about my long term success.I will Trust even if it's beyond my own comprehension whether or not I will succeed.

. It seems in my endeavor to become “normal,” I have found that I am still “abnormal...

I freaking love this girl...I always relate to so much of what she writes about. 

"My claim to fame was once that I was the wild child of the family who ate dysfunction for breakfast, lunch and dinner."

http://afterpartychatter.com/the-family-freak/

Hey Friday...

It's another Friday! 

I am excited...like genuinely excited...to go home and clean my house tonight.

The weekend seems to give me a slight pit in my stomach though where I crave some excitement. Feel like I'm missing out. Feel like I deserve to tip a few back and unwind... I really feel such a sense of peace though I just try to hold on to that. This too shall pass.

So in looking ahead...this week I have been working on Step 2. Faith. I have seriously gotten some incredible signs. A friend told me that God doesn't have to be the same for everyone. I don't know who God is for me yet. What God is for me yet. But...I am finding Faith. And I have Faith...that I will know these things in time. For now I find comfort in the peace that has come over me like a fuzzy blanket. I used to say beer was my fuzzy blanket...this blanket is fuzzier.

On a side note....as if trying to change my life for the better wasn't enough...here are a few other positive side effects of abstaining for alcohol....

• I am losing weight like CRAZY. I weigh less now than I did a few months ago when I was at the peak of working out like a Maniac. I have lost 4 lbs in 12 days...
• I have a little handy app on my phone called "I'm Done Drinking" - when I downloaded the app I had to enter how many beers a day on average I would drink and how much each beer would cost. I low balled it.. Apparently I have saved over $70 dollars and over 8,300 calories in 12 days. 
• No hangover...nuf said.

Just some little useless tid bits of information to help remind me that this is a good change. 

Leave the past in the past and look forward to what's to come.

xoxo

Music.

Music has always been an important part of my life. I have a very eclectic taste based on my mood...I suppose most people do. This week I was browsing Pinterest as I often do and kept seeing Mumford & Sons lyrics. They are one of my favorites...although I haven't listened to them in several months.

So I listened. Over and Over again. It was like the words were written just for me at this very moment....had to share...maybe this is one of those Faith in Action signs I keep looking for this week.

These are from Roll Away Your Stone...and they're perfect.

Reality Check

I knew it would happen. Ive been so positive and feeling so amazing about everything for the last week and a half. Until last night...last night sucked.

The kids were miserable. The husband was miserable. My anxiety was out of control. By 7 I was crying on the couch because my husband "hurt my feelings" we put the kids to bed at 8:30 (1/2 hour early) because they wouldn't clean their rooms....which must have sounded to the neighbors like we were beating our children and my 7 year old ended up having a full blown anxiety attack because her dad said he would take away her guitar if she didn't start to listen.

holy shit. 

This was a reality check for me...just because you're making changes...doesn't mean there won't be bad days. The way I cope will be different though. Which is a bit difficult because it's also apparent my coping skills are lacking when I don't have a beer in my hand. 

I'll get stronger. I won't always be reduced to a puddle of tears if my evening doesn't go as planned. It was a good reminder that this is still really raw, and I still have a lot of growth to make.