Reality Check

I knew it would happen. Ive been so positive and feeling so amazing about everything for the last week and a half. Until last night...last night sucked.

The kids were miserable. The husband was miserable. My anxiety was out of control. By 7 I was crying on the couch because my husband "hurt my feelings" we put the kids to bed at 8:30 (1/2 hour early) because they wouldn't clean their rooms....which must have sounded to the neighbors like we were beating our children and my 7 year old ended up having a full blown anxiety attack because her dad said he would take away her guitar if she didn't start to listen.

holy shit. 

This was a reality check for me...just because you're making changes...doesn't mean there won't be bad days. The way I cope will be different though. Which is a bit difficult because it's also apparent my coping skills are lacking when I don't have a beer in my hand. 

I'll get stronger. I won't always be reduced to a puddle of tears if my evening doesn't go as planned. It was a good reminder that this is still really raw, and I still have a lot of growth to make.

Stigma

I just wanted to share this great article about the stigma surrounding addiction that I found on "After Party Chat" one of my favorite recovery websites: http://bit.ly/14q68Ap

I am not quite ready to share my truth with those close to me yet. My husband of course knows since he's on this journey with me and I shared with a friend who has been through this. I hesitate to let the rest of my friends know, and my family. 

There are a few reasons....

1.This is so new. I am only 8 days in. What if I fail? What if they try to convince me I don't have a problem, the way the disease tries to do? It's easy to remind myself "your disease is trying to trick you, stay on track" it would be harder to tell my best friend to shut up that I have a problem and need to stay on track.

2.That brings me to reason number two...if I go public with my journey...then I will be publicly admitting that I don't have it all together. I'll be admitting that even with 2 small children I have drank almost daily for the last 5 years...thats the sugar coated version honestly. The certain judgement makes my stomach turn.

3.There is a stigma about addiction. I don't look like an addict. I don't really act like one...unless I'm actively using. I have a great job, a nice home, nice car...etc. etc. I feel like somehow that will mean less if I admit Ive been struggling severely for so long. I know that sounds materialistic. Petty. It's our society though. Of course the other part of me screams "You are contributing to the problem!" "That is why your story is so important!" But right now..I'm just not ready.

My hope is that once I have some significant recovery time under my belt, I will share with the people in my life. It's easy to blog and share with relative strangers. It's horrifying to think about sharing with my real life friends and family. But once I feel ready, I will scream from the rooftops..."if I can do this anyone can!" - I suppose it makes sense that until I feel I have actually "done this" though...silence is a nice form of security until I know I can handle the reaction...whatever it may be.

Step 2

Yesterday was pretty amazing. I was and am so honored to be my nephew's Godmother. I mentioned that this week I am really trying to open my heart to Step 2. 

Step 2 is all about faith. I prayed that God would speak to me somehow through the mass. Help my heart to soften a little. I feel like I have a pretty big wall built up between God and I. My dad is a Deacon (I told you it's a complicated relationship I have with God). So, being a Deacon, my Dad presided over the Mass yesterday, said the homily and Baptized my nephew.

The homily was all about Faith. Literally all about having to have faith. Do what is difficult even when its challenging and always having Faith that God will see you through it. 

Whoa.

I felt at peace throughout the mass. Not angry, not resentful, like I have come to feel many times in Mass. Just peaceful. 

I did struggle with some issues surrounding family. I struggled a little at the reception afterwards since it was my first social function, involving alcohol, since I decided to get sober just over a week ago. And no one that was there other than my husband, knows I have made this choice. I got through it though and felt stronger for it. I am learning it really is true the "Strength comes from moments of Weakness". 

I will continue to work on Step 2 this week. I can see that God is trying to show me his presence in my life. I will try to soften my heart and I pray that he helps me to soften as well. 

If nothing else I can say I have a much greater sense of peace already this week. A lot of my anxiety has lifted and for that I am grateful.

-xoxo-

One day at a time

I've been sober for a week! It feels amazing. This week was all about step 1- I've truly embraced the fact that I am powerless to my disease and with that truth comes strength, acceptance and POWER. I never ever thought this moment in my life would come. 

It isn't easy though. It's humbling. It's true that you have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes just a moment at a time. In the moments of weakness come strength though and 1 week in I'm feeling confident. 

Today I will become a godmother. My nephew will be baptized. I am trying to work on step 2. I feel like I have a complicated relationship with God. I'm trying to open my heart though. It feels symbolic that I will be back in church, becoming a godmother, 1 week into changing my life at the time Im trying to open my heart to God. I feel like I am worthy of this role now. God is putting many signs in front of me. I can see it. Feel it. 

So I will work on Step 2 this week even if it overwhelms me. Maybe more than Step 1. 

One day at a time...

Friday

It's Fridaaaaay. My first sober Friday...eh probably since I was pregnant over 6 years ago. I've been anticipating Friday afternoon. Bracing myself. I'm trying to avoid Facebook, hoping none of my friends call. My husband and I are hopping in the car with our kids after I get out of work and driving an hour away to get dinner. It's something to do...it's different...and we can avoid temptation in the familiar places. 

Honestly though...I expected Friday afternoon to be harder. I've definitely had the voice in my head creep up and say "it's Friday...relax...you can certainly have a drink or two" "you've been so good all week". I'm learning though (...in the obsessive reading about addiction that I've done this week) that the voice is the disease...and it is trying to trick me. I've been in this place before. Given myself a couple days "off"...felt great about myself. Confident that I don't have a problem after all. Maybe I CAN have a drink or two tonight.

Tomorrow I'll have 4...maybe after 4 I'll decide to convince my husband we should get drugs too...we have money in the bank after all. Then 4 will turn into 15 and I'll wake up on Sunday the same way I did last Sunday. Only this time I'll hate myself even more.

I know myself. I know how my disease works. I clearly see now, that it is in fact a disease and I do have a problem. A serious problem. 

Facing this fact...admitting it to myself...admitting that I really am powerless over drugs and alcohol...is bringing me a strength I haven't had before. It's pretty amazing actually.

So this Friday I will hop in the car with my family...go for a long drive...go out to dinner...and relax on the couch when I get home...with a cup of hot tea. It sounds amazing. And normal. And healthy. Everything I have ever wanted. 

I hope every Friday is just. like. this.

xoxo-Meghann

Lifeline

I created this list of blogs to reference when I start to feel hopeless...it's helped my thus far, hopefully it will help you too.

http://www.recoveryreflections.com/

http://thespiritofrecovery.net/the-12-steps/

http://discoveringalcoholic.com/

http://www.lifewithoutbeergoggles.com/

http://addiction-dirkh.blogspot.com/

http://www.12stepsahead.com/

http://guineveregetssober.com/

http://www.cryingoutnow.com/

http://goodlifenoalcohol.com/

http://www.soberjulie.com/

http://iloverecovery.com/

http://pattypowersnyc.com/

http://afterpartychatter.com/

http://itsalexisneiers.com/

xoxo- Meghann

Overwhelmed.

*This post is copied from my original post on www.intherooms.com if you would like to be friends with me on ITR feel free to add me! http://www.intherooms.com/megreed06

I knew it would happen, it's only been a few days. I've had such a sense of peace about my decision to finally, finally, get clean. I knew it wouldn't be easy...and after all...it's only the 5th day, but so far it has been. It's the longest I've made it without a drink in YEARS. This afternoon though the peace is subsiding...still there...still "want it" but I'm getting overwhelmed. What if I can't do it? What if I'm just in a phase?
I know of course it's just my brain playing tricks on me. I have to do it because I have finally accepted that I have a problem. It's still overwhelming though. I haven't had to feel feelings...like ever? Ugh. It's a daunting task.
One day at a time. I know that's all I need to do. Just get through the weal moments. This too shall pass.
I found this article about "Functioning Alcoholics" -
http://goodlifenoalcohol.... - it is ME to a T. TO A "T". I've done pretty well for myself considering everything I've done TO myself.
I want to live life. I don't want to go through the motions. Continue the cycle. Over and Over and Over and Over again to the detriment of my health, my marriage...my kids.
This to shall pass...